Bitchelor Party.

I hate The Bachelor. I’ve actually never watched a single full episode (which is obvious, otherwise I would have hung myself from my shower curtain a while ago), but I’ve gathered enough from promos and commercials to give me a good enough understanding of the whole thing.

Tell me something: what are the odds of 20 women showing up to meet a random single man, and every single one of them liking, dare they even claim “loving” the random single man at first sight? Odds? Let me just say that I would rather bet on Charlie Sheen leading a Sunday school class than betting on every woman “falling in love” with rando-man on television.

The crying? There is so much crying on this show. Either these women are REALLY good actresses (doubt it), or they are stupider than Kate Gosselin and more unstable than Winona Ryder for getting that worked up over a man whose middle name and favorite color they don’t even know yet. My, god.

I almost threw up on a boat today. This had nothing to do with The Bachelor. This morning in Lake Tahoe, we arose early, geared up, and walked 3 blocks to the Heavenly gondola, only to find out it was going to be closed all day due to rowdy winds up to 100 miles per hour. Since we couldn’t ride, we decided to go blow a bunch of money on hoodies and t-shirts before our Lake Tahoe fishing excursion at 1 pm. We arrive at the marina around 12:30, and the captain warns us that if we choose to go out on the boat today, it was going to be rough, cold, windy, and probably not great for fishing. He offered us an out, but the other two men and Trent and I decided to “give it hell” and go out anyway.

The first hour out of four was pretty good. Mild/cool, mid-50s temperatures, a steady but not overbearing breeze blew across the lake, partial cloud cover broken up by breaks of sunshine, generally pleasant conditions, all things considered. I hooked three fish, all of which I lost (great). Then the wind shifted and started hauling ass out of the southwest, and things got rough.

The boat was aaaRRRROCKIN’ AND A-ROOOOOLLLIN’!!!! I spent the next three hours shifting my gaze from my quivering fishing pole, and the unmoving, landlocked, stationary and mountainous horizon in an effort to not fall victim to sea sickness and vomit all over the deck. It got colder and colder, dark, dismal, and the harsh winds drove the cold rain at us like tiny needles until we finally decided to call it a day and head back.

Oprah Winfrey’s eye-bags are large enough to park two Ford Excursions on, even under 9 pounds of foundation. Does she not know this? Does she not also know that she has enough money to give everyone in the entire Western Hemisphere face lifts if she so chooses? Someone get this woman some cucumber slices and some ice cubes. Get those puffies deflated, Op. You don’t have to be stuck looking like a haggard old woman if you don’t want to. Just ask Joan Rivers.

Alright, time to go.

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Q: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

A: Enough to kill two and a half men.

Things that I have zero interest in whatsoever.

1. Kate Gosselin and her 45 kids.

• Things I care more about than Kate Gosselin or her offspring:
• Britney Spears’ favorite condiment
• Laura Bush’s Zodiac sign
• Denmark
• Cardboard

2. Kate Gosselin’s book.

3. Kate Gosselin’s hair extensions.

4. Football.

5. Lost. I have never seen, nor do I plan on seeing, a single episode of the television series Lost.

6. Terrel Owens and Chad Ocho Cinco’s teammate compatibility. Can they coexist? Does William Shatner like Honeynut Cheerios? I don’t care.

7. World of Warcraft.

8. Farmville.

9. Justin Beiber.

10. Being friends with anyone whose profile picture is of a truck.

• Things I would rather befriend than “Ford 4×4” boy:
• a grizzly bear
• an empty shoebox
• Heidi Pratt (maybe not)

11. Lindsay Lohan’s delinquency.

12. Having a child.

• Examples of things I would rather do than have a child:
• eat fire
• walk on fire
• be on fire

13. Hearing Ke$ha’s Your Love Is My Drug one more time.

14. Getting my nipples pierced. I’m no masochist.

15. Owning a cat.

16. Dancing With The Stars. I feel as though it’s time for the United States to declare war with someone else again when the most breaking news on NBC is the latest ligament injury on Dancing With The Stars.

17. Allowing Tyra Banks to live a day longer.

• Things I would rather see living than Tyra Banks:
• Joseph Stalin
• a centipede the size of a subway train
• a tyrannosaurus rex

18. Jersey Shore.

• Things I would rather watch than Jersey Shore:
• The Catholic Channel
• 35 consecutive hours of educational television
• a bowl of mashed potatoes

19. Meeting Flava Flav.

2o. Learning about any more of Tiger Woods’ mistresses.

• Things I could do with my time that are more important than learning about Tiger Woods’ sex partners:
• poop
• snip split ends off of my hair one by one with scissors
• sleep

21. Glee

22. Country music

• Sounds that are easier on my ears than country tunes:
• screaming infants
• freight trains
• Ke$ha

23. Brad Pitt’s beard

24. The Bachelor

25. Hugh Hefner’s sex life. I don’t want to know.

26. Running a marathon

• Things I would do before participating in a run this long:
• Adopt a child with autism
• Eat a whole pineapple
• Challenge Chuck Norris in a duel

———-

“You guys wanna see a dead body?”

The Bachelor.

“I’m going to write about how much I fucking hate The Bachelor,” I just said to Brandon.

Since you’re all aware of my cable tv situation, if not having cable tv can be considered a “situation,” one of the 3 channels we do receive is the Fox Family network. Er go, every 11 minutes, “Jason’s” stupid ass face is pouting on my fuzzy televisions screen. Get out of my tv you sappy bastard, I want to shout, and sometimes I do.