Knuckle sandwich.

Yesterday was a bad day. While snowboarding at Beaver Creek, I got a little ambitious and went into the medium/large feature terrain park, completely unprepared for what lay ahead of me. The jumps I had been going off at this point had been more or less tall kickers with no transition gap in the middle, just a nice smooth decline to land on. Trent warned me that these jumps looked quite a bit larger than what I was expecting. I didn’t believe him, and brushed off his warning, strapped in, and gunned it for the first jump. I launched straight up in the air, made a nice grab, then looked down to spot my landing. Only I was nowhere even close to clearing the jump. Not. Even. Close.

I barely had time to think “OH SHIT!” before I plummeted directly down probably ten feet, knuckling the jump HARD. The impact of my landing jackhammered my knees up to my face, slamming them into my jaw. My teeth were smashed together and my mouth was taken over by excruciating pain. I quickly scrambled to the side of the jump as to avoid being nailed by the next rider, and hunched over in agony on the side, spitting out bloody saliva.

My knee had popped me with incredible force directly under the chin, slamming my jaws together, crushing my tongue and busting my teeth. My teeth on the lower left side of my mouth were loose and bleeding, and my tongue immediately started to swell. I don’t know if you have gathered this or not yet, but tooth damage is literally my worst nightmare. Trent rode up to me and stopped to see if I was okay. “My teeeeeeeth…Ohhhh nooooooo…” I wailed. My face hurt so bad. We rode down to the bottom and went home.

I got back to the house and went to the mirror to assess the damage. Thankfully no teeth were chippped or cracked, but three on the bottom were loose and bloody. My tongue had a nasty bite mark and was fat and swollen. Underneath my chin, my jaw had a purplish goose egg on it, swelling away. My neck was stiff and my left fibula was sore. Not only that, but I was nauseous from the pain and shock, and probably concussed.

My neighbor gave me Vicodin. Thank god.

I decided there is really no reason for me to ever have to clear a 15+ foot gap in my life. I’m very content on the baby jumps. I also bought a mouth guard. I love my teeth more than I love being awesome. Because after all, who is awesome without teeth?

I have no idea what that means.

Does anybody else out there watch Meerkat Manor? I’m addicted. I have watched every single episode of every season, and have even started doing some repeats. I feel like I’m watching reality television, but with meerkats instead of human beings. I get into it just like The Real World, too. Every episode, it’s like, who’s banging who? Who got kicked out of the house? Who’s in trouble? Who died? Who’s pregnant again? It keeps me on the edge of my seat. They’re like tiny humans covered in hair.

And fleas.

There are a lot of hairy humans with fleas though. That’s what I mean.

Trent and I recently ordered a canine DNA test from SkyMall. Our curiosity about what breeds of dogs make up our mutt Raleigh has reached its peak. We were told he was a rottweiler/lab mix, which he is clearly not. Then we decided he was a Greater Swiss Mountain dog mix, but he has plateaued at just below 50 pounds, and is a bit of a dwarf. Now we’re just confused. So for $75, we swabbed his cheeks and mailed the cells off to have his lineage determined. I can’t wait to find out.

I hope the results don’t come back all stupid though, like “Boston terrier,  lhasa apso, Irish wolfhound, cat.”  I’d be pissed. I’m on YELP, you know. I can complain. The internet is a dangerous place.

Well, I forgot everything else I was going to talk about. Sorry. Bye.

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“My sister had a bunny. She stopped providing for it and it sat in a cage in our backyard.  My dad released it one day and told my sister it got out on its own.  It proceeded to live in our backyard for 2 years before disappearing.”

It’s a wash.

I was finally at Beaver Creek on time at 3:00 pm today when the famous (and more importantly, free) chocolate chip cookies are given away at the base of the mountain. Last year, I came about 25 minutes too late. I rushed to the base, dragging my board, huffing and puffing as my oxygen deprived lungs struggled to push me forward, only to find the area packed with a hundred skiers looking all too satisfied, with chocolate smeared in the corners of their mouths. I looked left and right, but all I could find were the remnants of devoured baked goods. Partially eaten cookies stomped into the snow littered the ground, and the magpies picked at the crumbs. I was too late.

Not this time. I went double or nothing. I like it when people give stuff away. Especially good stuff. Especially good stuff I can eat.

Yum.

I am really bothered by poor hygiene. People that don’t brush their teeth often enough (at least 3 times a day) need to die. Seriously. Nothing, not even a fire is an excuse to bypass a vigorous morning tooth-and-tongue brushing. If a burglar is forcing entry into your home to steal your Blu-Ray and Keurig coffee maker just as your alarm clock is going off at 7:00 am, before you grab your .22 or baseball bat and bolt downstairs to attack his ass, you must immediately run to the sink and bust out your Crest Whitening with Scope. I don’t care who you are. And don’t forget to scrub that tongue of yours. I am flabbergasted by how many people “don’t know” about brushing your tongue. Treat it just like your choppers, boys and girls. It is the source of your rancid, putrid smelling skank-breath. It is the Lochness Monster of your pie-hole!

Chewing gum is not the same. Popping some Eclipse in does not excuse skipping a tooth brushing. Neither does the use of mouthwash. Mouthwash use is perfectly acceptable as an addition to toothbrushing, but not in place of. You need to scrub those molars and incisors like it’s going out of style.

Coffee breath is the worst. The absolute worst. There are many things that cause offensive breath and need immediate oral cleansing attention, however. Let me arrange a short list to help you ignoramuses out:

1) Coffee

2) Cigarettes

3) Garlic

4) Any food

5) Air

6) Sleep

7) Everything

Febreze is not a substitute for an aggressive spin cycle with Tide laundry detergent. Febreze is for freshening an already neutral-smelling fabric, such as a couch, or some living room drapes. I don’t care what the commercials say. Febrezing your clothing does not make the filth go away. You can’t replace good old fashioned soap and water with deodorizing spray. You just can’t. It doesn’t get rid of spaghetti sauce stains, the smell of weed, body odor, or Jagermeister spills. Wash your clothes.

Axe body spray is not the same as showering. Again, the “soap and water” rule. You can’t cover up rotting body smell. Everyone can tell. Just take a shower. It takes five minutes. Literally five minutes. Bathing in cologne is not bathing.

I need to write a handbook for life. Somebody sponsor me. Go ahead. I’ll make it worth your while.

(Wink).

Kidding, I’m no hooker.

Bye.

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Richard: “What’s that smell? It smells like food.”

Me: “Oh, I’m eating a ginger snap.”

Richard: “No, it’s not that. It smells like—-like real food.”

Me: “….I…just filled Raleigh’s bowl up with dog food.”

Richard: “…..Oh.”