Burn notice.

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I got bitten by a chihuahua today. Its name was Chloe. I was pissed. I went into this lady’s house and was greeted by three psychotic jumping yapping “dogs,” darting here and there and barking like lunatics. I already despise tiny yippy canines to begin with, but this really put the nail in the coffin. After staring down at the hysterical, annoying noisemaker as it bopped around my ankles, I turned to walk up the lady’s stairs. That’s when I felt a sharp pinch on my right upper ankle. “What the hell?!” I exclaimed. The freaking asshole bit me.

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I should have drop kicked it across the living room. I wanted to put my hands around its hamster neck and squeeze the life out of it. It’s not like it drew blood or anything, but cripes. Chihuahua teeth aren’t exactly meant for attacking. They’re meant for eating Taco Bell. I hope it gets stepped on by a cat and dies for its distasteful deed.

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I got a sunburn yesterday. I deserved it. I said “f-ck off, sunscreen,” and I suffered the consequences. I’m stinging. Bad. I feel like I’ve been attacked by jellyfish. Unlike you real gingers out there though, my blistering sunburns turn into a warm, bronzy glow within days, and continues throughout the summer until it builds into a true Puerto Rican brown and people start mistaking me for Eva Mendes.

I turn Casper white in the winter again though. Can’t win em all.

It was 94 degrees today. 98% humidity. This is ridiculous. Am I in the Amazon rainforest, or the shitty state of Pennsylvania? I’m withering away, Mommy Nature. Give me a break.

I was walking around this person’s house today taking siding measurements, when suddenly my foot slid across something very slippery. I looked down to see that I had stepped into a “hot out of the oven” pile of dog shit that had been sitting in the scorching hot sun all afternoon, smearing it at least six inches. It was grotesque.

That about sums up my day. I look and smell like dog shit.

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I just saw a comment from an acquaintance of a young woman who just discovered her first unplanned pregnancy of many to come, and it said this:

“You both will be great parents, all it takes is love.”

…And money, time, sacrifice, two full time jobs, and a lot of help from mommy, daddy, and the government.

This is why there are so many dogshit parents out there today. They think all you need is love. This is an unplanned pregnancy, Debra. This isn’t The Beatles. This girl just ruined her entire life, and you want to sing oldies songs? Say what you mean. “You’re f-cked.”

Well, happy swelling, mom.

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“Hey! Who wants to go get ice cream and keep secrets?”

Dog pile.

There is so much dog shit in our front yard. Like, dump truck loads. We just kept leaving it all winter long because it kept snowing and getting covered up, so it was easy to just pretend it didn’t exist. Now spring has sprung, and the mild 55 degree weather is uncovering the rotting, stinking land-mines that are literally covering every square foot of the lawn. Something needs to be done. I feel that a controlled fire is the best solution.

Recently I watched a documentary on Netflix called “Dogs Decoded,” all about the dog-human connection and the domestication of dogs. There is little dispute that dogs seem to have evolved from wolves. Researchers began there to see how dogs became as compatible with humans as they are today. Beginning with a litter of wolf cubs, some people skilled with raising dogs house trained and raised the wolf cubs from birth, bottle feeding them, letting them sleep in their beds, treating them exactly like they would an indoor dog. Despite their best efforts, these young wolves never ended up acting like dogs, but instead remained wild and wolf-like in their behavior.

 

Next, they tried with foxes. At a farm where they had hundreds of caged black-colored Russian foxes, the researchers selected the tamest, mildest ones for breeding. They only allowed the best tempered foxes to mate. It turns out that these foxes produced tame babies as well. They continued the experiment, breeding tame foxes with only other tame foxes, and what they found was that tame foxes started producing different physical traits, even drastic ones such as completely white coats, grey coats, spotted coats, floppier ears, curly tails, and more. This discovery made the evolution and domestication of dogs a bit easier to understand.

 

As exciting as this discovery is, I still do not get how we started with wolves and foxes, and ended up with pugs, Great Danes, and Chinese Crested’s. Not to mention these f@#%ing things:

The canine breed “Puli.”  This thing did not come from a wolf. It came from a janitor’s closet. This is a mop with a face. I don’t care what kind of lasers, clay, drugs, or staples you’re using, you cannot turn a wolf into a Puli. Or a pug. Just stop joking around. Pugs came from amoebas and pigs. Great Danes? Horses. Chinese cresteds: Steve Buscemi.

You see, there are far better explanations for these breeds of canines than wolf descent. Show me some proof, Nye. Show me some proof.

 

….Okay, one more.

It makes me really uncomfortable when people consistently type in all capital letters. I have noticed that adults new to computers do this a lot. I have an aunt that does it. In addition she also disregards all necessary punctuation, which really intensifies the effect. She’ll leave me comments and messages that say things like, “REBECCA YOU HAVE GROWN UP SO MUCH I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE GIRL RUNNING AROUND IN YOUR RAINBOOTS  WE LOVE AND MISS YOU XOXO.”

It’s exhausting.

Well, time to go to sleep. Tomorrow Trent and I leave for California to ride Heavenly for a few days. Whoop!  Adios.

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“I HAVE—-A MAS-ters—-IN COMMUNICATION!“