The Chef.

Greetings, friends and foes…..and hoes. Although I don’t typically greet hoes, but, that’s besides the point. Welcome to my blog. If you like the things that come out of my mouth, do me a favor and don’t be a lass (lazy + ass) — subscribe .

I pump posts out faster than Michelle Duggar does babies. Mainly my rants and raves are about things that piss me off, things I love, people who suck ass, and my day to day life. I like entertaining. If the things I say piss you off, then stop reading. Or give me an opportunity to write more, and send hate mail here: beccaxsheppard@gmail.com.  Just know that I will scrutinize every word you type and make fun of you publicly if you make yourself look like an uneducated, ignorant ignoramus. (Your fault).

For stalking purposes, here’s some information about myself:

• I’m Canadian. I was born in Newfoundland, Canada, meaning that I am not a citizen of the United States and can never vote, and I don’t care.
• I love sleeping, fried rice, Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream, snowboarding, imitation down comforters, carbs, hand-written notes, frigid cold temperatures, and Christmas.
• I like animals one hundred times more than almost any other human being.
• I am an unreasonably fast typist. I dominate at word games like Scrabble, and will challenge anyone who contends my champion title. I like to weasel my way around the law. I like not being on fire.
• I pretend I’m really forward, rude, and unforgivably mean to idiots, but in real life I’m usually very nice.
• ….unless I’m knee deep in vodka-sodas. Fire in the hole.
• I hate misspellings and improper grammar, the texture of suede, Tyra Banks, country music, olives, mustard, and flying insects.
• Really I hate all insects.

  ….and people that look like them.

• Sarcasm is my business. I eat Miracle Whip on my french toast, and will slap anyone who objects to it.
•  I used to have a pair of rainbow boots when I was little, and ran around naked in them a lot.

Here is a picture of me doing something cool, so you can say, “Oh, so she does do other things besides just be a bitch all the time.”

And here is a picture of me with a real live black person so you know I’m not actually racist.

This is me pretending to play the piano, which I do not actually know how to do.

Me with a dirty homeless man in Iowa City, which I think says, “I’m a haughty bitch, but I’m down to earth, too.”

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That about wraps it up for me.

Oh, and I’m glad I’m not a fish. Their lives suck.