Tag Archives: technology

Time out.

2 May

The Voice is starting to piss me off. My rage is uncontrollable. I don’t know where to begin to express my discontent with the judges. Christina got rid of Jesse Campbell, quite possibly the best male vocalist on the show. RaeLynn was one of my least favorite in the beginning of the show, and quickly became one of my favorites. When she rocked out “She’s Country,” I fell in love. Then Blake’s stupid ass kicked her off! WHAT IS HAPPENING!??!?! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I still like you, Blake. But…but…!!

Also, Christina is being a total C-word. What, she lost five pounds so now she gets to be a bitch to everyone? Her negative criticism is always unwarranted and rude in general. She needs to be slapped in the tits.

Now it’s down to the wire though. I am saddened that Lindsey Pavao has left us. I think Juliet Simms will win this show. She’s a badass. Jermaine has a good voice, no doubt, but something about him bores me, same as Javier Colon last season. It’s like….they’re so powerful and good technically, but lack character in their singing. I don’t know, they don’t grab me as individuals like the others do.

My aspartame consumption is really causing my memory to debilitate, and I keep blacking out other parts of the show. I can’t remember who is left anymore. Go Juliet.

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The world has destroyed my attention span. I used to be able to wait for dial-up internet, and now I can’t wait for a 10 second YouTube commercial. I get pissed when it takes longer than 2 seconds for my email to load. I’m aggravated when the gas station pump takes 8 seconds to print a facking receipt. I feel like a six year old waiting for Christmas Eve when my oatmeal is in the microwave for 1:30. It can’t be reversed. Impatience is now ingrained in my generation.

I am finally the proud parent of a gloriously simple and sophisticated white iPhone 4s. I could not be happier. Deactivating my Droid was like getting ice cream on a 100 degree day. I was overjoyed. I am amazed I had the self control to not hurl my Droid at a brick wall up until this point. Siri and I are best friends. I asked her what I should wear this morning, and she said, “What’s wrong with what you’re wearing right now?”  I asked her again about an hour later and she responded with, “I’m sure whatever you wore yesterday would be fine.”  Haha. Attitude. Thanks Siri.

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Of course after receiving my new phone, I had to go peruse through the apps and get all my conveniences set up for myself, beginning with weather.  I’m a real freak about my weather updates. I want to know the real temperature, the “feels like” temperature, the chance of precipitation hour-by-hour, the 10-day forecast—I need to be in the know. Anyway, while I was deciding which app to choose for my weather updates, I read a few reviews. One particular weather app had a comment from a user that read,

“Cool app but isn’t always right.”

….No shit. Welcome to the WEATHER, kid. Weather forecasts are never “always right,” you nimrod. That’s like saying, “The Celtics are good but they don’t always win.”  Sigh.

WELL, time to do work things. Bi!

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B:  “The bad thing about rice cakes is that I eat like six of them at a time.”

A:   “That’s because they’re filled with air.”

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Droid Doesn’t.

9 Feb

I’m going to throw my Droid into the ocean. I have had it up to here with this glitchy piece of shit. Last August after my Blackberry stroked out, Trent and I decided to go ahead and head into the Verizon store seeking iPhones, only when we got there, the salesman had a boner over Androids, and long story short, we left with Droid X2’s. At first I was thrilled. My Blackberry was autistic at best, so any functioning work of technology was like seeing Jesus walk on water to me. Things went well for a while, but lately it has gone downhill.

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My phone has gone full retard. It force quits applications constantly, it randomly shuts itself off multiple times a day, screens freeze, the camera refuses to initialize—I’m getting pissed. To make matters worse, I do not have upgrade options until March.

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…….2013!!!!!!!

I am writing both Verizon and Android a letter expressing my discontent. My goal is to get them to at a bare minimum, bump up my upgrade eligibility. Otherwise, I will pistol whip a bitch. I desire an iPhone 4s so badly. Siri and I will be the best of friends. I just can’t wait.

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Due to my lack of blog-writing for the past couple months, this topic is a little outdated, but I just have to touch on it. Did you guys read about the model who walked into a plane propeller? Lauren Scruggs got off a small plane in Dallas, Texas, and shortly thereafter walked straight into the plane’s propeller, losing her left hand and mangling her shoulder and her face.

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How the f-ck does this happen? This isn’t like having one margarita too many and walking into a sliding glass door at the 4th of July party. It’s not like going on a hike and accidentally getting slapped in the face with an aspen branch. You don’t just mosey into an thundering airplane propeller by accident. It’s a PLANE. It’s kind of hard to miss. My first suspicion that she was ham-smacked after drinking 8 gin and tonics on her flight was squashed by ABC News who reported that the woman had not been drinking, so what other possible explanation exists!? Way to battle the “models aren’t all dumb” stigma.

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I need a cattle prod. I feel like it would be an extremely useful tool to have in my arsenal. I would get a lot of use out of it. The price-per-use would balance out beautifully. I could zap loud-mouthed teenagers in movie theaters, rapists, crying children, I’d electrocute people who say, “I seen you,” I’d shock people who are wearing Crocs—the uses are endless. Our roommate’s dog eats her own shit. She won’t stop. As soon as that steaming pile of feces exits the body, she can hardly turn around fast enough to inhale it. It’s nauseating. A good cattle prod shock or two could change that pretty quick I think.

WELL, time to fill up cup o’ tea #3. I can’t stop. BYE!

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B:   “I don’t even really know what to do on a stripper pole.”

C:   “I just try to like hump it and shit.”

Fashion First.

4 Aug

I think instead of a “poke” button on Facebook, they should have a “pork” button.  Cole Martin porked Jessica Batten. Then everyone would know who was having sex with who.

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I ate an extra cheesy pizza Lunchable today. It reminded me of sitting in the back of the bus in overalls during a zoo field trip, attempting to stab a hole through an impenetrable Capri Sun. They used to make those things bullet proof. You basically needed a machine gun to get your straw into the container. You always had to pass your beverage around to your classmates to see if anyone could force entry into the foil pouch. By the time you got the straw in, you were exhausted and dehydrated and needed it pumped directly into your bloodstream.

The other thing about pizza Lunchables is that in the beginning as you assemble the first mini pizza, you feel like there is no possible way those two tiny piles of cheese are going to last you through the third pizza, so you do this cheese-reserve thing and your first pizza comes out like a food stamp ration. By the third pizza, you realize you have way over compensated. You’ve saved so much cheese you have too much to even fit on the third crust. That pizza is always the best one.

Anyway, back to the Lunchable.

A few months ago, the Lunchables caught my eye in the grocery store, and I thought, “Ooh! I could go for one of those.”  Then I remembered I didn’t own a microwave.

You’re confused. Listen, I microwave my Lunchables, and I don’t give a f-ck what you think about it. I like to melt the cheese and heat up the sauce. Is that a crime? It’s my life.

Recently, Trent looted a microwave that was on its way to the dumpster from a neighboring office, and now we finally have one. I went ahead and stocked up on a couple pizza Lunchables, and I couldn’t be happier.

I spent several hours in various airports last weekend in lieu of my trip back to Iowa, so I had a nice opportunity to see some real freaks. Let me start with the Asians. One of the Asians I saw was a young woman who appeared to be about 20 years old. She looked pretty normal at eye level, but then I looked down at her feet. She was wearing blue flip flops that had dozens of tiny pink and blue pastel colored inflated balloons that simulated bath bubbles, and each sandal had a tiny rubber duck on it.

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The next Asian I laid eyes on was a woman in her thirties. She was wearing a translucent red plastic sun visor that had a solar powered fan that was positioned on the bill of the cap, pointing toward her face. It was pretty bad. It got worse though when her four year old son appeared with a matching solar powered visor in black.

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Later I glanced down to see a man with “BORN TO F-CK” tattooed on his toes, each letter on a single toe. That was an interesting choice.

Lastly, good old SkyMall had some material to gawk at as well. How about this douche:

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Oh great! They make it in cadet style. I’m not sure which is worse—the hat, or the tool’s face in the ad.

Back to the Asians. What is wrong with them?  Their style is so rotten. They’ve lost their minds. Why can’t they stick to things that they’re good at like developing technology and making fried rice? Stay away from the fashion industry, zipperheads. You can’t do it right.

Boy do I like their food though.

I’m having a lovely time with my new Droid X2. It’s taking a little while to teach it all the cuss words, but it’s catching on quickly. I am a little sad about the battery life, although what can I expect from it when I’m playing with it 16 hours a day.

WELL, that’s all for now, gals and non-gals. Cheerio.

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“You can’t pee in here, Wilfred.”

“Why? Everybody else is!”