Coleversations.

Words between friends.

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C:  Dubstep was in Iowa City last night.

B:  Dubstep is not a band, Cole. It is a type of music. Haha. That’s like saying, “Jazz was in Iowa City last night.”

C:  Oh.

B:  I can only begin to imagine how stupid you feel at this moment.

C:  I’ve felt more stupid, but I’ve also felt less stupid.

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B:  The world didn’t end.

Z:  We’re partying like it still might.

B:  Haha. Good call.

Z:  I still have to try “the world is ending” pick-up line.

B:  You’ve got time, although it was supposed to end at 6 pm eastern time, so….pick someone stupid.

Z:  That won’t be a problem.

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C:  Where do snowmen go to dance?

B:  ….the snowball.

C:  F*ck. You….you got it right.

B:  Right.

C:  Where do you find a dog with no legs?

B:  Wherever you left him.

C:  I give up.

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C:  I’ve got a wild hangover. I think I said some pretty well deserved inappropriate and offensive things to some people last night. I’m not mad.

B:  I’m glad. Details? Memories?

C:  There were fat loud girls involved. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I remember getting a high five afterward from some guy.

B:  Positive reinforcement is always a good sign.

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B: How was your sign language final?

C: I had to sign the entire “In the Ghetto” song by Elvis today in sign language.

M: hahaha. Were you embarrassed?

C: Not as embarrassed as the guy who had to sign Justin Beibergay.

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C: I need some serious shit eye.

….shut eye rather.

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C: Should I buzz my head again? I’m tired of hair.

B: Sure. Baldy. Baldass. Bald eagle. Baldminton.

C: Oh. So…you’re saying I shouldn’t buzz my head…or?

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C: I had a sex dream about Fergie last night. I don’t know if that’s awesome or if that means I am attracted to men.

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C: I only have seven hours to regain my strength and beauty. Now kindly leave.

…Probably 6.5. I didn’t account for diarrhea in the morning.

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B: Have you ever heard of Blackmill? Some of the sickest tunes I’ve heard in a while.

R: Never heard of them/it/him.

B: It’s one guy. You’re going to be hospitalized because of them.

R: THEM?

B: …Sorry.

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B: Should I have meatballs or pineapple cake for my breakfast/lunch?

T: Uh, that’s an easy one—YES!

B: ….that wasn’t a yes or no question.

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B: Eggs or oatmeal?

J: Eggs.

B: F*ck you, I’m eating oatmeal.

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J: I still think the funniest bitchiest thing I ever heard you say was when we were outside the guys house in Iowa City and Trevor Bjorn was there talking about something that didn’t matter, and he says, “Trust me, I know about this,” and you go, “Trevor you didn’t f*cking graduate high school, I don’t trust anything you say.”

B: Hahaha.

J: He was pissed. Because it was so uncalled for and the topic was probably like how many packets of ranch came with Gumby’s pizza. And you just presented his failed life to everyone at this party. haha. goddamnit. The best part was nobody cared because everyone hates him.

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B: Is Four Loko illegal in Iowa yet?

C: It’s back on the market, but without the caffeine…

B: What?! Why! I NEED THE F@#&ING CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C: Now it’s just a disgusting drink that will make you throw up.

B: Great. Well there goes my weekend. I’m going to be passed out by 7 pm with my pants unzipped.

C: Yup.

B: Cole, we’ve got to mix Four Loko with Folgers. It’s going to be nasty, but we’ve got to do it.

C: Okay. When it had caffeine, I think it was equivalent to 8 cups of coffee. I read that online.

B: F#&%.

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B: Just…watch the first 35 seconds of this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6gKT3NnE3k

C: Holy shit. Who made that video? And why aren’t they in a hospital?
B:  haha. I don’t know.

C: I didnt stop at 35. I’m getting scared now.

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C: I want to see Black Swan.

B: As do I.

C: It took them 10 years to make that movie. The f*ck were they doing?

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B: Come over and watch The Grinch with me tonight.

Oh, and go buy The Grinch before you come over.

C: Haha. F*ck yourself. How about that?

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C: I always catch my boss looking at my crotch.

B: …

C: She’ll be talking to me and I’ll look up or something and when I look back to make eye contact, crotch. Eyes on my “area.”

B: …is she hot?

C: No, but I need a raise….so.

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B: I watched Twilight last night, and I actually loved it.

C: We actually can’t be friends anymore.

B: Why?

C: Because you enjoyed Twilight.

B: You didn’t? It’s a good movie.

C: No I did not. I think they’re ridiculous.

B: I think the fans are gay, but I really did enjoy the film.

C: Fangs. Do you mean fangs?

B: Fans.

C: What’s a fan?

B: Are you f*cking stupid? I HATE THE FANS OF TWILIGHT!

C: …

B: Twilight fans. “Team Jacob” shirt wearers.

C: …Oh.

B: God you’re stupid.

C: I don’t think the alcohol is quite out of my system yet.

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B: Is your Droid a touch screen?

C: Yeah it is. But you can train it so it guesses what you are going to type, so really I don’t even have to touch the right keys, just the surrounding ones. It’s made for alcoholics.

B: Excellent. Getone for $e for Christams. ………wow.

I don’t know what just happened.

C: Are you drunk?

B: Not at all.

C: Just retarded then?

B: I guess that’s what you call drunk behavior when you’re sober.

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C: Shouldn’t it be mandatory for all blinds to have a seeing eye dog?

I mean don’t they want one?

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C: Group presentation in class tonight. Asian girl included. She can’t talk like us.

C: The Asian girl just referred to Obama as “Obama President.” Ugh.

They only let her talk for literally 30 seconds of the half hour long presentation and she         still managed to fuck everything up.

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B: You’re being a shitty entertainer.

C: Sorry. I just finished organizing the pizza boxes to make them look nicer.

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C: Bar time.

B: Alcoholic.

C: I know, Becca.

B: Are you going to throw up your dinner in a urinal and make kissy noises at sober waitresses tonight?

C: I think so. I still have amphetamines in my system and have hardly had anything to eat tonight. I’m screwed.

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C: We are making pot brownies.

B: Betty Crocker. …Betty Potter.

C: Haha. Betty Potter. We put way too much pot in the brownies.

B: As far as flavor is concerned, or highness?

C: Just flavor for now. I’m not high yet….I don’t think?

B: Haha. Just wait?

C:  Have you had them? I ate three back to back. I’m not experienced in this chapter of pot smoking. I have so many questions.

B: I have not. I bet three is too many. It takes a while to uh…work.

C: Haha. I think three was too many too. I guess we’ll see. You should as T if they work. I assume he’s had them?

B: He said three pot brownies was way too many pot brownies. Haha. He said like half of one is enough. Last time he ate them he spent the entire day hunched over in the passenger seat of a truck, blazed.

C: Oh. I just had the fourth.

B: Hahaha. Death.

C: I’m scared?

B: You probably should be.

C: I just asked Matty how much weed he put in the brownies. “Handfuls” was his response.

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C: I’m taking an alcohol screening test for class to see if I am an alcoholic. The questions: “Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?”   Yes.  “Do others criticize you for drinking too much?”   Yes again.

B: You’re going to ace this test.

C: “How often in the last year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking?”   I got a score of 17.  “A total score of 8 indicates a strong likelihood of hazardous or  harmful alcohol consumption.”

B: Hahaha. Win.

C: I think so.

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5 Responses to “Coleversations.”

  1. Phillip Wrench June 4, 2011 at 10:34 pm #

    Excellent blog. Big ups. Mad skillz. All that.

    Be forewarned, I’ll be complaining about not enough posts within a week.

    Quick “save my livelihood” question: I am going to a 4 day conference/binge. I need to party hard from 5pm – 2am, but need to be presentable/professional/not a strange shade of green from 7am – 5pm. I need stamina and intensity. Work-party-work-die is easy. 4 days is trickier, and I can’t have a rest day in the middle. Best approach? Please post your insights by 6/9/11. 🙂

  2. beccasheppard June 5, 2011 at 8:47 pm #

    Tool, you’re in luck. (Get my joke? I’m a fag). I am a seasoned alcoholic due to my growing up in the midwest where there was nothing to do but binge drink, and then attending the University of Iowa where I majored in alcoholism. I’ll do my best.

  3. Henry June 6, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    Hi Becca, I’d like to inform you that you are being plagiarized by a user on xenophase.net, here is the link if you are interested in seeing (http://www.xenophase.net/~regg/)

    • beccasheppard June 6, 2011 at 9:00 pm #

      Thank you so much for letting me know. I immediately went to Creative Commons and got a copyright license. I appreciate the heads up. I have still not been able to access the link you provided, but I created a Xenophase account to try to look this person up and harass the shit out of them. Thanks again.

  4. Brittany November 14, 2011 at 2:55 am #

    I wanna know how the pot brownie story turned out. 4 is a lot…especially when there are handfuls involved.

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