It’s a wash.

20 Dec

I was finally at Beaver Creek on time at 3:00 pm today when the famous (and more importantly, free) chocolate chip cookies are given away at the base of the mountain. Last year, I came about 25 minutes too late. I rushed to the base, dragging my board, huffing and puffing as my oxygen deprived lungs struggled to push me forward, only to find the area packed with a hundred skiers looking all too satisfied, with chocolate smeared in the corners of their mouths. I looked left and right, but all I could find were the remnants of devoured baked goods. Partially eaten cookies stomped into the snow littered the ground, and the magpies picked at the crumbs. I was too late.

Not this time. I went double or nothing. I like it when people give stuff away. Especially good stuff. Especially good stuff I can eat.


I am really bothered by poor hygiene. People that don’t brush their teeth often enough (at least 3 times a day) need to die. Seriously. Nothing, not even a fire is an excuse to bypass a vigorous morning tooth-and-tongue brushing. If a burglar is forcing entry into your home to steal your Blu-Ray and Keurig coffee maker just as your alarm clock is going off at 7:00 am, before you grab your .22 or baseball bat and bolt downstairs to attack his ass, you must immediately run to the sink and bust out your Crest Whitening with Scope. I don’t care who you are. And don’t forget to scrub that tongue of yours. I am flabbergasted by how many people “don’t know” about brushing your tongue. Treat it just like your choppers, boys and girls. It is the source of your rancid, putrid smelling skank-breath. It is the Lochness Monster of your pie-hole!

Chewing gum is not the same. Popping some Eclipse in does not excuse skipping a tooth brushing. Neither does the use of mouthwash. Mouthwash use is perfectly acceptable as an addition to toothbrushing, but not in place of. You need to scrub those molars and incisors like it’s going out of style.

Coffee breath is the worst. The absolute worst. There are many things that cause offensive breath and need immediate oral cleansing attention, however. Let me arrange a short list to help you ignoramuses out:

1) Coffee

2) Cigarettes

3) Garlic

4) Any food

5) Air

6) Sleep

7) Everything

Febreze is not a substitute for an aggressive spin cycle with Tide laundry detergent. Febreze is for freshening an already neutral-smelling fabric, such as a couch, or some living room drapes. I don’t care what the commercials say. Febrezing your clothing does not make the filth go away. You can’t replace good old fashioned soap and water with deodorizing spray. You just can’t. It doesn’t get rid of spaghetti sauce stains, the smell of weed, body odor, or Jagermeister spills. Wash your clothes.

Axe body spray is not the same as showering. Again, the “soap and water” rule. You can’t cover up rotting body smell. Everyone can tell. Just take a shower. It takes five minutes. Literally five minutes. Bathing in cologne is not bathing.

I need to write a handbook for life. Somebody sponsor me. Go ahead. I’ll make it worth your while.


Kidding, I’m no hooker.



Richard: “What’s that smell? It smells like food.”

Me: “Oh, I’m eating a ginger snap.”

Richard: “No, it’s not that. It smells like—-like real food.”

Me: “….I…just filled Raleigh’s bowl up with dog food.”

Richard: “…..Oh.”


2 Responses to “It’s a wash.”

  1. tabitha December 22, 2010 at 12:46 am #

    I agree with you completely but I do have to say cigarette breath beats out coffee on my list!!!

  2. andrea December 22, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

    I need you in my life to push this issue onto a few raggamuffins I cross daily

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