Burn notice.

13 Jul


I got bitten by a chihuahua today. Its name was Chloe. I was pissed. I went into this lady’s house and was greeted by three psychotic jumping yapping “dogs,” darting here and there and barking like lunatics. I already despise tiny yippy canines to begin with, but this really put the nail in the coffin. After staring down at the hysterical, annoying noisemaker as it bopped around my ankles, I turned to walk up the lady’s stairs. That’s when I felt a sharp pinch on my right upper ankle. “What the hell?!” I exclaimed. The freaking asshole bit me.



I should have drop kicked it across the living room. I wanted to put my hands around its hamster neck and squeeze the life out of it. It’s not like it drew blood or anything, but cripes. Chihuahua teeth aren’t exactly meant for attacking. They’re meant for eating Taco Bell. I hope it gets stepped on by a cat and dies for its distasteful deed.


I got a sunburn yesterday. I deserved it. I said “f-ck off, sunscreen,” and I suffered the consequences. I’m stinging. Bad. I feel like I’ve been attacked by jellyfish. Unlike you real gingers out there though, my blistering sunburns turn into a warm, bronzy glow within days, and continues throughout the summer until it builds into a true Puerto Rican brown and people start mistaking me for Eva Mendes.

I turn Casper white in the winter again though. Can’t win em all.

It was 94 degrees today. 98% humidity. This is ridiculous. Am I in the Amazon rainforest, or the shitty state of Pennsylvania? I’m withering away, Mommy Nature. Give me a break.

I was walking around this person’s house today taking siding measurements, when suddenly my foot slid across something very slippery. I looked down to see that I had stepped into a “hot out of the oven” pile of dog shit that had been sitting in the scorching hot sun all afternoon, smearing it at least six inches. It was grotesque.

That about sums up my day. I look and smell like dog shit.


I just saw a comment from an acquaintance of a young woman who just discovered her first unplanned pregnancy of many to come, and it said this:

“You both will be great parents, all it takes is love.”

…And money, time, sacrifice, two full time jobs, and a lot of help from mommy, daddy, and the government.

This is why there are so many dogshit parents out there today. They think all you need is love. This is an unplanned pregnancy, Debra. This isn’t The Beatles. This girl just ruined her entire life, and you want to sing oldies songs? Say what you mean. “You’re f-cked.”

Well, happy swelling, mom.


“Hey! Who wants to go get ice cream and keep secrets?”


2 Responses to “Burn notice.”

  1. Becky Delport July 14, 2011 at 12:13 am #

    God you dog shitted yourself. I think apart from having off fish roe poured down my gullet whilst being tea bagged by a fat sweaty ethnic man, standing in a fresh dog shit is the worst thing that can happen to you. Actually I could think of a million more worse things but dog turd is pretty high up there.

    And fuck I would have stabbed that dog. I don’t like small yapping anything with teeth. I really do hope tomorrow is better for you Miss? Becky.

    • beccasheppard July 14, 2011 at 3:37 am #

      It’s shitty, for lack of better words and pun mostly intended. Also, can I just say that I really appreciated your use of “dog shitted” as a verb? Haha. Side note: an ethnic tea bag is the worst kind.

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