Tag Archives: Xenia

The hills are alive.

22 Jun

…..with the sound of music.

Sorry. There are really no opportunities to make a clever title with plays on words with “The Voice.”

Ahhh, yes. Last night aired another episode of The Voice. Let’s revisit it, shall we?

The show begins with Carson Daly recapping America’s votes, and encouraging commentary from the coaches on their personal picks from the competition. It is noticeably quiet on the set, and we realize this is because Christina “Boobs Like Niagra” Aguilera has not been piping in with delirious, annoying interruptions between everyone else’s every other word.

Jeff Jenkins gets sent home. The kid has an amazing voice, but he really flopped last week and shot himself in the foot. Sorry Jeff. The Thompson sisters and Curtis (who I keep forgetting exists in this competition in the first place) get sent home to keep practicing karaoke in front of the bathroom mirror. Devon also gets the boot, which I am okay with. Good voice, not as good as Casey and Javier. The show goes on.

Christina is loaded, as usual. Apparently she thought wearing cotton candy on her head instead of hair extensions would be a nice way to change things up this week. They must have had her on sedatives for the beginning of the show, because I did not hear a single peep from her for the first 8 minutes while everyone else was talking. I figured they had duct tape over her mouth, but when her turn came to speak, it was obvious that tape was not necessary. Why use tape when you have a half a bottle of Percocet handy? BOY was she loopy. I half expected to  have the camera cut to her at some point throughout the show to catch her sleeping.

Twice when cued to comment, she stared off into the abyss, eyes drifting with a sleepy smile across her face, and seconds later realizes she had been called on. “—Oh—I’m sorry? What?”  This happens not once, but twice, and dismisses any benefit-of-the-doubt favoring that perhaps she genuinely just didn’t realize she had been addressed.

Frenchie performs a somewhat forgettable version of “Like A Prayer.”  I am not nearly as moved by this performance as I was by “When Love Takes Over.”  This may be because I was distracted by the gaggle of cartwheeling mimes in KKK outfits to notice anything else. Up next is Beverly; it’s a battle of the balds.

Beverly McClellan charges the stage wearing her colonial/vampire cloak, belting out “The Thrill Is Gone.”  Unbelievable, as always. I love everything she does. Every facial expression, movement, note; she has won me over entirely. After she finishes, I wave goodbye to Frenchie. Looks like it’s time to go back to internet porn, Frenchie. Sorry. Pound for pound, Beverly takes the cake.

Dia Frampton has a spectacular performance, yet again, of “Losing My Religion.” This girl has got it all. My girl crush I have on her blossoms even more.

Xenia performs “The Man Who Can’t Be Moved.” Her voice is captivating, moving, and different from anything I’ve ever heard, but good grief, who on that program is going to finally start forcing alcoholic beverages on this girl before she hits the stage? She needs to let loose. I am always distracted by her level of discomfort and fidgeting, although I will give her props for definitely showing improvement in that area. Still, I think a few shots of whiskey would help, not hurt.

Nakia….meh. Still doesn’t get my engine revving. His appearance bothers me too much to care for his singing, which is only okay in my opinion. His mouth is like a weird trap door that shoots spit out of it whenever he moves it.

I change my mind about Vicci Martinez this week. She blows everyone away with a powerful, energetic performance of “Dog Days” by Florence and the Machine. Those drums and that clapping gave me a woody. Okay, Vicci. You win.

Casey Weston delivers a beautiful rendition of “I Will Always Love You.” More importantly, Javier Colon shows the world that his hat is not a permanent, non-negotiable fixture on his head. Spoiler alert: he’s bald. The world decides he looks better with the hat, and he over-sings “Fix You.”

Casey vs. Javier? I choose Casey. Sure, Javier has a great singing voice. My problem with him is that he’s a one trick pony. He’s got his fancy little runs, and that’s all he’s got. Every song he sings sounds exactly the same. He also LOOKS exactly the same every time he sings. Squinty scrunch face during the words, followed by tourette’s twitch head-cock move after each verse, much like a horse twitches when a housefly buzzes around in its ear. It’s annoying. Casey, you’ve got my vote.

After waking up from her Vicodin coma, Christina joins the undeniably sexy Adam Levine on stage for a debut of Maroon 5’s latest hit single “Moves Like Jagger” with a regrettable wardrobe choice. She staggers around on stage in an oversized mom-style nighty t-shirt that says BOYS across the front and does absolutely nothing to compliment her beefy figure. Ugh. Christina. You need help.

My final bracket for The Voice:

Dia Frampton > Xenia

Beverly > Frenchie

Casey Weston > Javier Colon

Vicci Martinez > Nakia

Yes, I would put my money where my mouth is.

Peace out, girlscouts.

____________________________________________________________________

“He’s not even alive; he’s running on meth at this point.”

Advertisements