Tag Archives: X Factor

Wiggity wiggity wiggity WHACK!

26 Oct

I am filled with tacos, and am now plunging into this night’s episode of The X Factor. I will be simultaneously blogging along while I view the show. Spoiler alert for those of you who got drunk instead and are planning on watching it on the ol’ DVR.

Boys group goes first. LA Reid opens with “The Astronomical Kid.”

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Well, everyone pack your bags and go home. How can anyone follow up little “Astro” Brian Bradley after killing it with a Kriss Kross song? He absolutely murdered everyone before they even got a chance to perform. It’s unbelievable. For a kid his age and in the genre that he’s dealing in, there are so many opportunities for him to get slammed. But there is just nothing to pick at. There is no room for criticism. He owns it every single time.

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Holy makeup, Chris Rene. I’m sure you didn’t do it to yourself, but I’m surprised you could even move your face at all with the cement sidewalk made out of foundation that you had piled on your face. You looked like the fake robotic Santa from The Santa Clause 2 with Tim Allen.

Any last words before you leave tonight, Phillip?  “Yeah, it’s just really a shame that I’m going home tonight. I guess I just wasn’t black enough for LA Reid’s team.”  That’s what he should have said. Haha. Geez. “Believer?” Come on, LA. He may as well have sung “Yankee Doodle Dandy” or “Jingle Bells.” He had no chance.

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Ah, and Marcus. Marcus, you have the voice of an angel, but I still think Brian dominated everyone like little school girls tonight. You’re a solid number two.

I called the lineup to a T. Sorry, Lomax. This just wasn’t your scene. Next to go home will be Chris Rene. Sorry brother, it’s just written in the stars.

Up next is the groups. Not my favorite category, and by not my favorite I mean my least favorite category. By far. I’m not into groups. I haven’t been into groups since The Spice Girls and BBMak. I’m sure Stereo Hogzz will win, but that’s because they’re the only tolerable group out of the entire bunch. To be honest, I can’t even remember any of the other groups, because they are that forgettable. What’s that girl group? Lakoda Rayne? What are they going to follow that up with, “Next Time He Cheats?”  Not great. Also, awful name.

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“Intensity.”  Just send these kids to Nickelodeon already. They need to be doing Glee style plays, not making records. Also, what’s up with that white, blonde girl without the eyebrows? I don’t understand why they couldn’t just pencil some brows in there. They could have just spent 30 seconds less on Chris Rene and fixed her brows. Was that too much to ask?

Uhh….Nicole? Have you been “borrowing” Paula’s pain meds? “You’re just my pumpkin patch of yummy pumpkins!”  Are you serious? You’re starting to freak me out. Too much cooing, oohing, ahhing, “honey”ing and all around weirdness. Go back to just being sexy. You’re good at that.

And into the over 30s. Always a wild card. If Dexter doesn’t go back to banging on buckets on the streets and sleeping in his car, there’s no hope left on this show. I mean, I get that he’s a lovable goof, but a five million dollar winning recording artist? No chance in hell. The Gaga-esque dancers on his set tonight? Everything is just wrong.

Also, I want to Febreze his hair. Can people with dreds and wild black hair Febreze it? I feel like it wouldn’t be a bad thing. (Moving on).

I don’t know why these girls haven’t figured out that they need to be wearing waterproof mascara yet on this show. The last thing I would want on national television is to be looking like Courtney Love just hit by a car after a night of heroin. (That’s what I look like with my mascara running down my face, making me look like a melting raccoon).

LeRoy and Stacy perform. Stacy is good. LeRoy is likable. Dexter gets the boot. There is a God.

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The girls open with Simone. I hate her. She does this “Uh! Yeah. Hey! Come awn everybody!” shit too much. It’s unbearable. Her voice is mediocre at best. She’s pretty, but tacky, cheap, fake, and annoying. Her performance was terrible. I liked nothing about it. I feel like I’m in the 21st century twilight zone of confusion with Dexter Haygood right now trying to understand how she even made it this far. Is Simon Cowell pulling a prank on the USA? You’ve got us, Simon. April Fools.

Rachel Crowe, you little fire ball. I really enjoy this child’s voice. I wasn’t thrilled about the song choice for her tonight however, especially since Drew Rxs$wyzc rocked it so much better in the auditions. Weak sauce. I feel like Simon chose this song on purpose to have an excuse to send her home (at this point I don’t know who is being sent home). Swap the ice cream cone out for the microphone more often though Rach, and it will help your career. I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying this to help you.

Drew, your voice is angelic. Keep on keepin’ on. Fourteen years old. Yikes.

Aaaaand Tia Tolliver. She grinds my gears. The girl is driven, but she cannot sing in tune. Period. Simon just likes her because she’s plastic and commercial. He can cut and paste and decorate and make her pass as a pop star. Plus she’s a biologocical Nicki Minaj clone. Immediately off key. No surprise there. CAN SHE NOT HEAR HERSELF?!?!?! Ugh. She needs to be kicked off the stage.

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MELANIE!!!!! Melanie is so incredible. Just raw talent and a solid powerhouse. Nothing can stop my tears from flowing every time I hear her sing. Let me just say this though—last episode I said, “Slap a weave on her and she’s ready to go!”  And what do we have this episode but a brand new rockin’ head of hair. Haha.

Simon has to send two bitches home. Pretty easy if you ask me: Tia and Simone need to go back to slobbing on knobs and making sandwiches. Unfortunately, Simon likes the skanks. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?! If Melanie doesn’t make it through, I will shoot all of my neighbors and then myself.

…and Tia and Simone. You know, before I off myself obviously.

Here it comes…the decision.

It’s between Tia, Simone, and Melanie. I swear, I SWEAR if it’s not Melanie, I will go APE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crowd is cheering MELANIE! (x23402)

THANK GOD!!!!!! It’s Melanie. I don’t have to murder anyone and I can continue to enjoy the show. Goodnight everyone.

Drink Pepsi.

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C:   “I wish Simon was my friend so I could just text him quick and ask who made it through. I hate waiting.”

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Pillow talk.

19 Oct

I was driving down the road today when I thought of something funny to write about. Being that I was manning a sports utility vehicle at the time, I didn’t have the means, nor the opportunity to jot it down. “I’ll remember it later,” I said.

I didn’t.

Alright, Lauren Conrad. You have sucked at life on your annoying reality tv shows in good old California, and for that, you are on my shit list. However, your Kohl’s clothing line has nearly completely redeemed you. Great threads. Just great. So much lace and chiffon and lovely neutrals and dusty roses and OH the goods. I need six million dollars to spend on trendy clothes. Someone win me the lottery.

It was decided that our pillows were in need of replacing finally. What once were fluffy, springy, puffs of comfort are now flat, lumpy, lifeless sacks of sadness. We needed new ones. After drooling uncontrollably over Lauren Conrad’s clothing line at Kohl’s, I made my way back to the bedding and started looking at the pillows. I didn’t know where to start. Shopping for new pillows is a daunting task. You stand there trying to hunch down and rest your head on the pillow which is enclosed in a plastic bag, then you start squeezing it with your hands in an attempt to gauge the firmness, except that doesn’t work because no one ever squeezes their pillows between their palms. What does this pillow feel like?! You stress. How does it compare to my old faithful?! AHHH!!!!!

Frustrating.

I went with a medium and a firm. The medium was a mistake. It swallows my head like an angel food cake made of down. Should have gotten two firms. Good thing Kohl’s has a rockin’ return policy.

Can anybody tell me what the F-CK Nicole Scherzinger was thinking when she put freaking Dexter through on The X Factor? Are you kidding me? Dexter is a kooky old homeless black man that has critters living in his hair. He wears platform shoes, stumbles around like a drunk prostitute with prosthetic legs, lives in an air-brushed denim jacket, and just scowls and screams. The man doesn’t even sing. He’s a crazy bum. What is this, Boiling Points? Also, Nicole, your long, dramatic pauses and unnecessary “build-ups” are really making me want to stop watching. Don’t be so kitsch. You’re just annoying. I’m sorry. You’re mega hot, but you’re being f-cking annoying.

And SIMON? Lay off the liquor. I don’t know if you noticed, but you put stupid f-cking Simone through instead of hot, angelic voiced Caitlin Koch. Simone is an idiot. I hate her. And then MELANIE?! You’re lucky you redeemed yourself and brought her back, because I was enraged and ready to boycott the television show. Little chubby Rachel and Melanie hold it down. Their voices move mountains. Drew Xzyq40wicz is also just incredible.

I’m really glad LA Reid & Rihanna aren’t total morons and got rid of the Vanilla Ice imitating pest named Nick Voss and his hopeless, irritating Elvis persona. His jitter leg? I wanted to fire a cannon at him every time he jitterbugged and Parkinsoned his ass around the stage. Ugh.

Little rapping Brian makes my day. Little niglet really gets me going. He’s great. And then Marcus? Marcus has the voice of a g-ddamn angel.

Well, time to go watch more shows about serial killers. Investigation Discovery Channel has got me by the balls.

….Stop lookin’ at mah mom! Mah mom!

X Factor joke. Whatever. Bye.

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“That’s what she got me for my birthday. Like, I know almost everything came from the Dollar Store, because I’ve seen it there.”