Tag Archives: Vicci Martinez

Shit bull.

30 Jun

Last night, The Voice aired once again on NBC. Naturally I changed all of my plans and glued myself in front of the television and cussed at anyone who spoke during the show.

The show begins with a sleazy performance by Neyo and freaking Pit Bull and fourteen slutty women air-humping in leotards and lace tights. It’s awful. I wanted Piers to show up from America’s Got Talent and buzz them off the stage. I hate Pit Bull. He is a disgusting, gross, bald Latino man. Like, Beverly McClellan has more sex appeal than Pit Bull. His voice is awful. He sounds like me first thing in the morning when my phone rings and wakes me up and I groggily answer with a scratchy, shitty voice. Terrible.

Beverly and Christina perform a pretty fantastic rendition of “Beautiful,” an Aguilera original. Christina looks like a wizard. Her long, scarecrow hair and bucket hat makes her look like Merlin. I wanted her to be holding a magic want and a glowing crystal ball.

Blake Shelton and Dia Frampton perform a Tom Petty song together, and Blake reminds the world how much taller he is than everyone else by making Dia and the rest of the musicians look like the lollipop guild by comparison.

Adam and Javier perform “Man In The Mirror” by the late Michael Jackson. I gawk at Adam’s ravishing looks for the duration of the song. I wish I could stop, but I can’t. Javier pretends he is not wearing a baseball cap, but it is still a baseball cap, just disguised as a beret.

Vicci and Cee Lo dress like Pokemon characters and sing a song about love and war. Or war being like love. Or…was it love being like war. Anyway, they hire a gaggle of children who dress like them to do backflips around the stage while they sing. It’s great. Vicci is a little firecracker, and I like her.

Tonight the finals aired. Javier won. I was sort of disappointed by this. I think my overall problem with Javier is that although his voice is fantastic, he bores me as an individual. I guess in the end, no one was really a loser, as all four singers got incredible exposure and everyone now knows who they are. Way to go, kids. A+. I want season two to start immediately.

The end.


“Is it hard to be Muslim when bacon is so delicious?”


All that glitters is old.

19 Jun

Is glitter really that inspiring of a material that pop singers worldwide feel irresistibly compelled to write songs about it? Are these girls pulling out their credit cards to snort lines of glitter off toilet seats in the bar bathrooms?

I feel like every song Ke$ha has ever released is about glitter. “Glitter and Glamour,”  “Glitter Puke.”  Her lyrics, if you can call them that, say,  “Where they go hardcore, and there’s glitter on the floor,” “Dirt and glitter cover the floor,” “Go insane, go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain.”  Pink is talking about “Glitter in the Air.”

Katy Perry is on board the glitter-train, “Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now,” Lady Gaga joined the club with “Glitter and Grease”—where does it end?

What happened to singing about love, lust, and loss?

…and rims, bitches, clubs, and cars?

………what happened to singing?

Cee Lo Green is apparently okay with the new glitter movement.


Looks like Christina Aguilera dipped herself in caramel ice cream topping and then rolled in the dirt before this week’s episode of The Voice. My, god. That self-tanning move was a fail. She just can’t quite nail those looks this year it seems. But damnit, can she ever sing.



How much Vicodin is safe/recommended to take at any given time? Christina is exceeding that amount. Just sloppy. Somebody needs to get that woman’s libido under control. Her inappropriate commentary about the contestants is getting out of hand. I think everyone was uncomfortable when she requested Patrick Thomas to remove his pants. Let’s try to stay on topic, Christina. Besides, the only person needing to remove their pants on NBC is Adam Levine.



I am just not on board with Nakia. His voice is okay, but mostly I feel like he is shouting 90% of the time. The man is not attractive. He looks like Sweetums from The Muppets.



Vicci Martinez has this tribal stomping move she does around the stage during every performance. The judges have referred to it as her “war dance,” but I have dubbed it the “squounce.” A squatting-bounce all over the place. It is too distracting for me to even notice her voice.

I love Casey Weston. She is just a doll with great pipes. If Adam Levine does not bed her, they are both passing up a golden opportunity.



Try as they might, physicians and health gurus worldwide cannot inspire fear of skin cancer in me. Ten times out of ten, I will choose bronziness over epidermal health. I am about as afraid of melanoma as I am afraid of the boogie man. Sorry, SPFers. Sunblock higher than SPF 12 will never touch my flesh. 12 is even stretching it. Normally you won’t find me in anything heavier than 4 or 8. I think the best defense against skin cancer is a good attitude, and I’ve got one. I have a theory that anything above an SPF 30 is a hoax. If I wear anything above an SPF 8, I get zero pigmentation whatsoever. Put me in an SPF 50, and I’d probably disappear. It’s going to be hard to convince me that there’s much of a difference between SPF 30 and SPF 100. It’s like, one glass of orange juice gives me 100% of the Vitamin C I need in one day, so drinking five glasses isn’t going to do me any more good than the single glass already did.

Marketing. It’s all marketing.

WELL, I gotta go. The sun had better show its face so that I may even out my polo tan lines today.

Your comrade,



“At least they styled him up a little bit. I mean they did the best they could with his ugly ass.”

“Yeah, he looks like Dom DeLouise.”