Tag Archives: Target

Talk dirty to me.

20 Jun

I came across some girl’s webpage. Here is the address.



Yeah, tight faith is really the only acceptable kind. I wish people weren’t so stupid. Worse than misspellings, however, is this atrocity:

“Re-read dat play play’Wat da f*ck is chesse?? IF its MONEY I b Dat’ IS dis suppose to b a diss or sumthin?? Im 2 grown for dis shit’ Re-read wat u sent.. Sorry Imma Hot Boyy boo boo.’Cum correct>>>”

Unbelievable. The above excerpt is a comment I found from a black male on some other person’s photo. I would like all of you to try to translate. Seriously, I’m curious. Leave a comment translating this mumbo jumbo and let me know what you think this man was attempting to say. Ready….go.


Why is it that the amount of material used to make swim suits is going down, while the price is simultaneously going up? I am all but boycotting stores like PacSun and Victoria’s Secret to purchase swimwear. Swimsuit bottoms and tops go separately upwards to $50 a piece. That’s up to $100 a suit. What am I supposed to do, spend one month’s paycheck on the top, and then go back next month for the bottom? Unreal. Tell me how a teensy tiny strip of fabric no larger than a five dollar foot-long at Subway can cost $50. Good lord.

Target is the way to go. Again, adorable pieces for $14 each. Just as cute, a quarter of the price.


Commercials for “Lavalife” constantly stream across my television screen, displaying exceptionally good-looking men and women, purring into their telephones, seducing people on the other line.

Flirt, talk, connect and meet with fun, sexy men and women at anytime of the day or night. If you are looking for phone dating chat, new friends, casual fun, dating, flirting and discreet intimate encounters, Lavalife Voice has it all. Call. Talk. Date.  it advertises.

Why use 44 words when you can use two?  “Phone sex.”

What a joke. Right, like hundreds of hot women across the country have nothing better to do than to sit at home in their living rooms and chat on the phone with creepy single dudes with beer bellies all night long. That’s definitely the best way to meet Prince Charming. You’d have better luck perusing Craigslist’s M4W.

One particular radio station here in the Greensburg area has aired a Backstreet Boys song on three separate occasions over the past seven days. I am not complaining. There’s also been a bit of N*Sync, pre-boob job/head-shaving Britney Spears, and Spice Girls thrown in the mix. I could not be happier. This lyrically mundane but rhythmically catchy pop music from the late 90s really gets me going. You know, brings me back to those middle school days where I would record those songs on blank cassette tapes in my bedroom while they aired on the radio. Too bad all of them have drug addictions and mental illnesses now.

Well, time to rock. Really it’s time to digest my Velveeta shells and cheese. Goodbye, friends.



“Our neighbor came over to smoke with us during after-hours. She took two hits, walked home, and called the police on herself. She freaked out. The ambulance came and took her away.”



Moo la la.

10 Jun

Back in high school, I wouldn’t wear anything that didn’t say Hollister or American Eagle across the chest. I was a douche. Pretty much everyone was though. We all wanted to be “cool.” Unless of course you were “gothic” back then and only bought things that were black or lime green from Hot Topic, like Invader Zim backpacks, spiked dog collars, and Jnco Jeans with pockets deeper than the Pacific Ocean, and played “Magic” at lunch by yourself in the corner of the cafeteria.

Kids. So gullible. There really isn’t anything fashionable, period, about a graphic tee that just says “Abercrombie & Fitch” on front. It’s just a t-shirt. A t-shirt that costs $60, that is. Unbelievable.

Listen, all you high schoolers out there. Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister are overpriced articles of generic clothing. You don’t believe me now, and you won’t believe me for quite some time, but in a couple years when you’re broke in college, you’ll realize that a white t-shirt from Target that costs $11 is the same as the white t-shirt from Hollister. The only difference is the Hollister one has a teeny-tiny logo of a seagull on it, and costs five times as much.

You’ll learn.

$9. Target.

$39. Hollister.

While we’re on the topic, what in god’s name are the jeans manufacturers up there at Hollister Company modeling their pants sizes off of? Trees?

Back in 10th grade, I had to buy a size 11 jeans at Hollister. I weighed 114 pounds. I should have been wearing a standard size 2 or 3. Unfortunately, Hollister’s “size 3” jeans have pant legs no wider than baseball bats, while their waists could fit around a 100 year old oak tree trunk. They’re basically upside-down cone shaped. I had no option but to purchase a size 11 to fit my human-sized (maybe on the meaty side) legs, and then use a belt in the most obnoxious way to scrunch in the excess four inches of denim around my hips so they would stay up. Stupid.

I love Target. A lot. Target is one of my favorite places to go. If I’m bored, I often cruise over to Target just to browse. They have a LOT of cute clothes, swim suits, shoes, great cosmetics, and everything is so moderately priced. I have been surprised with Wal-Mart’s selection as of late also. Granted, the majority of their clothing is size XXL and up and has Tweety Bird or the American flag across the chest, but if you dig around enough, they have some pretty stylish threads. Take this maxi dress that I purchased yesterday, for example:

Only $14. I looked like a hot hippie all day. Can’t beat it.

Why don’t they put Equal or Sweet n Low in every gallon of milk ever made? This is a brilliant idea. Everyone knows milk that has had Frosted Flakes marinating in it for ten minutes is the greatest tasting nectar known to mankind. Sweet-milk has got to be a million dollar idea, I’m sure of it. I’m not talking about super dense Carnation brand style condensed and sweetened milk. I mean delicious, fresh skim milk lightly sweetened with artificial sweeteners. I have been sprinkling several packets of Equal on my heaping bowl of sliced bananas and strawberries with All-Bran on a daily basis, and BOY is it ever delicious. I love artificial sweeteners. Never mind the risk of brain cancer that people keep talking about. Flavor is more important to me than the 50/50 chance of disease.

Well, I’m off to take my bored dog on a play date. He has dug string cheese out of the trash and Bubblicious out of my purse between today and yesterday because it’s been 100 degrees outside and mama refuses to take him out to exercise. Poor bastard.

Merry Christmas,



“I hate it when all of my clothes are dirty and I’m forced to wear things that I would normally do yard work in to school.”