Tag Archives: Skechers Shape Ups

The skinny on fat.

20 May

I’m tired of these online ads claiming to have the secret to the “one magic food that cuts down on belly fat!”  There is no mysterious secret. Weight loss is very, very simple. Actually, it’s elementary math. Eat less, exercise more. That’s it. If there is any food that can actually magically cut down on belly fat, it’s Indian food. You barely finish your chicken tikka masala and out it goes, via the other end.  It doesn’t even have time to stick. So yeah, I guess if there’s one magical food that cuts down on belly fat, Indian food is it.

I would really love it if clicking on one of those online ads actually directed me straight to Taj Mahal Restaurant. Haha. Then I would applaud them. While we’re on the topic (of fat-burning, not Indian food), I’d like to clear something up for people: You cannot target fat loss on your body. Doing one million crunches every day will not burn your “belly fat.” It will build ab muscle, for sure.

…Under your gut where no one can see it.

You have to lose weight overall for your gut to shrink, kids. That means cardio. Lots of it. And calorie-control. Every day. There’s no secret. Stop searching for it. Use the ELF method: eat less food. (Copyright Rebecca Switzer).

I went shopping for some denim shorts this afternoon, seeing as the temperature is rapidly rising from mild springtime weather to molten lava exploding from the crust of the earth summer weather. My shopping results were…interesting. Shorts are only two years from no longer existing. And I don’t mean they’ll be obsolete as far as fashion is considered; I mean they’re going to be phased out entirely, because year by year, they get shorter and shorter.

They’re going to disappear. It won’t be long before “shorts” are just a piece of denim with a button and some belt loops with a price tag on them. The pockets on these shorts are hanging almost entirely out the bottom of the “legs.” I’ve seen longer inseams at a midget convention.

Does Skechers really think that marketing their Shape-Ups tennis shoes as the key to a fit, svelte body is accurate? “Step into YOUR new body with Skecher Shape Ups,” they say. Is Skechers trying to claim that wearing their tennis shoes will morph you into an Eva Mendes physique? Get real. Anyone in their right mind understands that donning a magical pair of shoes will not make you drop 6 dress sizes. ELF.

I am really in love with the Kia hamster commercial. They’re so gangster. I mean, they really made those hamsters bigger than hip, hop.

Their dancing? I love their dancing. Clearly Chris Brown coached these rodents.

“You can deal wit, DIS, or you can deal wit, DAT.”

Keep calm and ELF on, boys and girls.

Your amigo,



“Okay. That face is going to set us back in the bedroom.”

“I’m pumped! I can’t help it!”

“Yeah, I noticed that when you karate-kicked my makeup mirror.”


Chunkin Donuts.

1 Jul

“Wax wagina.”

I think I’m going to make it a ritual to grace you with an obscure and disturbing search term each and every time I write a post now. Wax wagina was probably the weirdest one today. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

I wish they made diet peanut butter. That would be the ultimate. I guess they do make diet peanut butter. It’s called bulimia. “Directions: Scoop two tablespoons of peanut butter and spread on bagel or wheat toast. Chew. Swallow. Vomit. Zero calories.” Haha. Okay.

Really though. It’s aggravating that all the most delicious foods in the world put you on the fast track to the Biggest Loser auditions. Take for example, butter. Anything amazing that makes you drool like a Newfoundland dog has hordes and hordes of butter in it. It’s just not fair. It’s so good. Chocolate? Don’t even get me started. Pasta? Oh, the carbs. Sour cream, guacamole, ice cream, brownies, it never ends.

I hate women that think they’re on a diet, but they eat things like bagels for breakfast every morning. “All I had this morning was a bagel with low-fat cream cheese, I’m famished. I haven’t been eating that much since it’s summer and I need to get my bikini body on.”

Pop quiz: what has more calories?

This bagel,

or this Krispy Kreme donut?

EHHHHHRR. Wrong. Are you ready for the shocking news?

Donut = 220 calories

Bagel = 350 calories

You lose.

Eat donuts, lose weight.

Yeah right.

Since we’re in the fitness neighborhood right now, let me say something: I love seeing obese people wearing Skechers “Shape-Ups” like it’s going to make them fit. Like wearing magic shoes is going to parallel the results of P90X. These are not an alternative to 90 minutes on the treadmill. I’m sorry Chubs, but you’re wearing a moo-moo. You are way past leg-toning sneakers. Try real exercise.

Or gastric bypass.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Time to go.

“I’ve had FOUR root canals. Four. I’m 35, I’ve had FOUR ROOT CANALS!!!”