Tag Archives: pasta

Carbivore.

7 Sep

I need to eat more fruits and vegetables. But….I’d rather eat butter.

All day long while I am out and about doing roofing things, dealing with asshole Western Pennsylvanians, and working up an appetite, all I dream about and look forward to is the moment I get home and can sit down and binge eat. It’s what gets me through the day. At the beginning of each day, I have high hopes that today I will eat healthfully. Lots of veggies and liquids, I plan. Then the day goes on, and all I want to do is dive into a swimming pool full of macaroni and cheese and then eat my way out, because damnit, I deserve it.

By the time I finally get home at night, I tear into the kitchen in a carb-consuming rampage, shuffling around the kitchen with a Wheat Thins box clutched under my arm, up to my elbows in crackers as I boil water on the stove for my pending spaghetti. I storm the kitchen grazing aggressively, and by the time my pasta is actually done boiling, I’m nearly comatose from the carbohydrate overload I’ve forced up on myself.

.

Today I came home and boiled noodles. I ate plain old noodles with just butter on them. Carbohydrate desperation is what you call that. I have no shame.

.

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Tropical storm “Lee” has brought on continuous rain for the rest of the week. I will be doing nothing this week in celebration. I wish to sleep, surf the ‘net, and snack myself half to death. Except tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to go buy a vacuum.

I need to befriend employees of shwaggy department stores so I can get and use their discount on various material goods. I guess I could always apply and get a job there for that reason, too. I’d work there for an hour, buy a bunch of shit, and then be like, “Peace out motherf-ckers.”  That seems like a lot of work though.

I wish to spend all of my money on denim and leather goods. I don’t think it is possible for me to get enough of these things. Won’t someone just give me six million dollars? I think that’s enough. I need a sugar daddy. I need to win the lottery. I need stuffs.

WELL, I’m going to watch fifteen episodes of Law & Order SVU. SVU really gets me through my evenings. I hope this series never ends. If they discover medicines or herbs that keep people alive forever, and there turns out to be an extremely limited amount of these elixirs, I am very okay with those rations being given to the Law & Order SVU cast so that they may stay alive and continue to make suspenseful, dramatic crime shows until the day that I die.

Ta ta.

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B:   What do you call a black person who flies a plane?

J:   I don’t know, a terrorist?

B:   A pilot, you racist.

J:   Maybe where you’re from. This is America, and if you’re not white and you’re flying a plane, you’re probably up to no good.

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National Enqu-liar-er.

28 Feb

Who reads the National Enquirer? Really. Why does this publication still exist? I wonder this as I stand in line at the grocery store, waiting to check out my single carton of Haagen Dazs Caramel Cone ice cream behind a man who is purchasing six gallons of milk, a dozen cans of Chef Boyardee, a handful of frozen pizzas, some off-brand cookies, and enough paper towels to build a house with….if for some reason someone wanted a Brauny house. (?) I know there are plenty of loony toons around town, but are there really enough in our society that support an entire fake newspaper for decades consistently? The news in these prints are Continue reading