Tag Archives: movies

The dog days aren’t over.

4 Sep

The temperature outside reads 93 degrees. The heat index because of the inconceivable amount of humidity (96%) is 109. ONE HUNDRED AND NINE DEGREES!

It is September 4th.

I was very close to actually dying today from the heat. I have never experienced such oppressive humidity before in my life. It was so bad. I could see it. It looked like fog settling in over the entire city for miles and miles. I was sweating hand grenades. I held my Droid up to my ear for a few minutes while I spoke on the phone, and my arm was literally dripping with sweat. I am now in my living room sitting on my couch with an ice pack on my lap, and my computer on top of the ice pack, because it is too FACKING hot even to have my computer on my skin.

Good one, Mother Nature. You got us. Now stop being a jackass and drop the temperature by about fifty degrees. I could not possibly be more antsy for fall weather. All I want to do is be comfortable and snuggly in hoodies and jeans and not sweat my ass completely off of my body while riding in my un-air-conditioned vehicle.

A girl recently requested my friendship on Facebook. I clicked on her name to browse her profile before deciding to accept or not. This was her current profile picture:

This was the one after that:

Can you guess what the rest were like? I’ll give you a hint: they made up the Jurassic Park cast.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

My phone keeps auto correcting to stupid things. For example, it sends “Baghdad” instead of “hahaha” on a regular basis. Someone says something funny, and I reply, “Baghdad.”  It doesn’t make any sense. Why would anyone ever talk about the Middle East more often than they would laugh? I guess unless you’re a POW. Then again, most POWs probably don’t have cell phone privileges, so we’re back to Point A.

Recently I ended one of my posts with a quote from a television show that I found humorous, which was “And that is why you don’t get your money’s worth when you wear jeans to a strip club.”  Shortly after, I discovered on my blog info that tells me what search terms lead people to my blog that somebody out there in the world Googled “Why don’t you get your money’s worth when you wear jeans to a strip club?”   Baghdad. Someone didn’t get it and wanted to find out.

WELL, time for me to sweat to death. Bye bye.


C:   “I’m drunk and watching Titanic in my bed.”

B:   “I am also watching Titanic. I am getting emotional. Such a sad love story. Leonardo just gets me.”

C:   “My emotions are knocking at the door, too. But when she blows that whistle, BOY is that uplifting. She really wants to go on, you know? Her heart wants to go on.”


Red hot.

15 May

We got Comcast cable for our apartment here in Greensburg last week. This is the first time I have had cable television in over three years. Er go, I am now finally able to be in the loop about the major current events and goings-on in our world;  terrorist attacks, who’s pregnant, who died, who got arrested for coke charges,  the weather forecast. Usually I find out about these things via peoples’ vague and unclear Facebook status updates.  Suddenly I start seeing statuses that say things like,  “Praying for the people in Japan,”  and,  “I can’t imagine what it would like to be living in Japan right now,”  and I’m sitting here going, “What happened in Japan? Polio outbreak? Did SARS make a comeback? Was there a tsunami? Earthquake?”  I try connecting the dots, making my own assumptions and gathering clues until I get some sort of idea of what might have happened in Japan. It takes me at least six days to get the story straight.

Is The Weather Channel trying to seduce me? I’m sitting here minding my own business on the couch with my laptop in front of me, and suddenly this sultry jazz music starts oozing from my television. The lights dim. Suddenly I can smell oil and rose petals. I look up to see The Weather Channel showing me a low pressure system shifting across the northeast. What are they trying to do, get me to take my pants off? “It’s getting hot and sticky out there,” it says. Now I’m uncomfortable.

Moving on.

I just saw “Bridesmaids” starring Kristen Wiig. I laughed out loud like a little delirious lunatic child. Pretty good characters. Lots of great one liners. No demon-possessed squawking boy in the theater this time, although I did sit next to a little porker who couldn’t have been more than 9 years old, and he kept repeating all the swear words the entire time. We went through the entire movie without him commenting on any of the sex scenes, blowjob jokes, or beaver references, and then at the very end of the movie when “Annie” and “Rhoades” kiss, he yelled, “EWWWW!”

Kids are so stupid.

My armpits smell like wild roses. I am not being sarcastic. I didn’t just come from the gym after 40 minutes on the elliptical and am now making a joke about smelling nice when in reality I smell like the underside of Chris Farley’s belly.

My armpits actually do smell like delicious, fresh, wild roses. Dove “Wild Roses” deodorant crossed my path, and I couldn’t resist the temptation. I’ve been sniffing my underarms like an inpatient all weekend. My underarms are irresistible. It’s as fragrant as perfume. I’m delighted.

Starbursts has really figured their shit out. I’m delighted to find that they have cut right to the chase and started selling the best flavors without all the stupid ones in the same package. The best flavors being all the red ones, of course. Anyone who knows anything understands that the only good flavors belong to the red palette. They call it the “FaveReds.” Cherry, strawberry, fruit punch, and watermelon. Nothing but reds in the entire pack. What a great move. It wasn’t economical for me to purchase an entire bag of Starbursts if I was only going to pick out the red pieces and leave all the rest. What if I get a shit bag and only even get four reds in the entire package? They’ve finally cut out the middleman. I’m not the biggest fan of the watermelon, but I’ll take 75% deliciousness over a gamble any day.

Alright, peace out.



“It must be so nice to be married and have a family! Your kids—“

“Listen. Last night, I was at home making a really nice dinner for my family. My son comes in and says, ‘I want to order pizza!’  I said, ‘No honey, Mommy’s making dinner tonight.’ He says to me, ‘Go f*ck yourself, Mom.’  He’s nine.”