Tag Archives: kids

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

13 Dec

I was reflecting upon my childhood diet the other day. This is all I ate from ages 6 until 11:

  • Cherry Pop-Tarts
  • Fruit by the Foot
  • Fruit Roll-Ups
  • Spaghettios
  • Cinnamon Toast Crunch
  • Count Chocula
  • Miracle Whip on white bread (it’s true)
  • Kraft macaroni and cheese

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No wonder kids lose all their teeth. It’s not to make room for new permanent teeth, it’s because our diet is made completely up of sugar, salt, and nitrates. My mouth rebelled against me (along with the rest of my body). Good thing I ran around like an ape with ADHD 23 hours a day as a youngin’. Without my incessant need to constantly be running around catching snakes and toads, I would have weighed somewhere north of 200 pounds by the fourth grade.

I’m watching an exclusive interview with Piers Morgan and Motley Crue, and I’ve made a startling discovery:

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Mick Mars is:  Emperor Palpatine.

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Am I right? Let’s take another look.

Mick Mars….?
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…..or Emperor Palpatine?
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I smell an identity theft case.

People need to stop shortening words. It’s not cute. It’s nauseating and stupid. SO STUPID! This includes, but is not limited to, “Presh, gorge, fab, adorbs, totes, fave, probs,” and “ridic.”  Yesterday I was reading reviews on a pair of boots, and this is the atrocity I came across:
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I had a half a mind to report it as inappropriate. Are you kidding me? Even the busiest person in the world has enough time to avoid looking like a stupid ass. This needs to stop.

Nicole Scherzinger needs to bury herself alive. At first I thought her mouthwatering good looks were enough to float her along, but this has just gone too far. Everything that comes out of her mouth on The X Factor is pointless, annoying, and retarded. Also, her dramatic faux emotions? Ugh. Stop pretending to be moved, stop crying, stop being a douche, Nicole. As a side note, as much as I love Marcus Canty, Rachel Crow earned her place in this competition with her save-me song. You suck, Scherzinger.
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Well, I’m going to go digest my tacos. Remember that we are now in a new prize period! The next winner will be drawn on Sunday, December 18th. To become eligible for the drawings, all you have to do is 1) be subscribed to Sheppard’s Pie, and 2) leave a comment or forty!  (Find out more here: PRIZES!) Every comment you leave puts your name in the drawing for the next prize, which is a totally bitchin’ convenient and brilliant invention: the union of the cozy mitten plus an ice scraper to help make your morning car-scraping ritual a little less painful this winter.

That’s right, folks. Be in it to win it.

Thanks for stopping by.

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“Nick’s roommate pulled the ol ‘slam your beer bottle on top of someone else’s beer to make it fizz up’ (mine) and like a jack ass, I stuck my thumb in it to make it spray everywhere in a retaliation attempt, which was great. Then I looked down and noticed glass sticking out of my thumb and blood was everywhere. The joke, once again, was on me.”

-Cole

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iScream.

22 Jul

There is a child just outside the apartment below me just absolutely screaming its head off. It is making the most offensive, wretched sound I have ever heard come from a human being ever before in my life. It sounds like it’s on fire. Do normal people gasp with sympathy, “I wonder what’s wrong—I hope he’s okay!” ? Because I am wondering what I could do to end its life while minimizing any major cleanup or legal consequences afterward. If it would just stop making that horrid, dreadful sound. Until it ceases to project this detestable sound however, I am going to start brewing up death threats to call down to its parent-figure one floor below.

Why do children have to be so god-awful? Don’t they understand that no one likes screeching? Nobody wants a wailing, noisy child around. No one. Don’t kids want to be liked? Isn’t that why they start doing drugs so early nowadays, to fit in? Why haven’t they caught on? Is there no reasoning with children? Don’t they comprehend that shrieking like a howler monkey is only going to make them grossly unpopular and probably spanked in public? Ugh. I wish paddling children was still socially acceptable and not considered child endangerment/abuse. I think it would really cut down on the fit-throwing that children insist on. Continue reading