Tag Archives: Kia

Stupid at an entirely new level.

5 Jun

on the kia commercial are those real hamsters

Oh. My. God. The above was yet another search term that some low-intelligence nimrod out there in the world wide web typed in their Google search bar that landed them at my blog. Are you serious? Are those real hamsters? Yes, Cesar Milan joined the marketing directors over there at the Kia dealership, slapped Raybans and basketball jerseys on a few human-sized hamsters, trained them to break dance, and taught them to drive a stick-shift.

Go kill yourself. Waste no more time.

Or air.

I’m tired of 5 Gum commercials trying to pretend that chewing their gum is like experiencing an acid trip. I am extremely doubtful that putting a piece of mint flavored chewing gum is going to make me see dragons appear in the night sky that spontaneously combust into IMAX screen sized butterflies. The last time I found myself laying naked on my back feeling like I was being covered in magnetic metal balls, it was Lalapalooza, and I was doing shrooms in the forest. The next closest non-illicit-drug related experience you can have to that is food poisoning at El Rancho Grande. Even then, you’re stretching it. 5 Gum is not equal to LSD.

The other night I watched the UFC fight between Rampage Jackson and Matt Hamill. This was really the first time I had ever really paid attention to one of these fights. I just don’t understand that people do this for sport. I mean, these guys just go out there and start beating the shit out of each other. It just seems so impolite. It’s like, what if you have nothing to be pissed at the other person for? You can’t just go into the ring and feel right about breaking the other person’s jaw and bruising their kidneys for sport, can you? I don’t get it.

I don’t understand how people eat super spicy foods and enjoy it. I have a hard time believing that people that do this genuinely “like” it. There’s almost nothing you can do to change my mind. People who eat habanero peppers and XXX devil’s hot wings are sadists. Sadists who crave attention. How can you even taste what you’re eating when your tongue is going up in flames? I am not interested in eating foods that make me feel like I took a blow torch to my esophagus, make me sweat like I’m running the mile inside a Hefty bag, and bring tears gushing forth through my eyes. I don’t like to have a fire extinguisher and 14 gallons of whole milk nearby when I sit down to enjoy a nice meal. That’s not eating. That’s suicide. Dragons were meant to breathe fire. Not human beings.

Well, I need to go digest the 11 pounds of macaroni and cheese I just consumed. Thanks for stopping by,



“Poop dolla!”


The skinny on fat.

20 May

I’m tired of these online ads claiming to have the secret to the “one magic food that cuts down on belly fat!”  There is no mysterious secret. Weight loss is very, very simple. Actually, it’s elementary math. Eat less, exercise more. That’s it. If there is any food that can actually magically cut down on belly fat, it’s Indian food. You barely finish your chicken tikka masala and out it goes, via the other end.  It doesn’t even have time to stick. So yeah, I guess if there’s one magical food that cuts down on belly fat, Indian food is it.

I would really love it if clicking on one of those online ads actually directed me straight to Taj Mahal Restaurant. Haha. Then I would applaud them. While we’re on the topic (of fat-burning, not Indian food), I’d like to clear something up for people: You cannot target fat loss on your body. Doing one million crunches every day will not burn your “belly fat.” It will build ab muscle, for sure.

…Under your gut where no one can see it.

You have to lose weight overall for your gut to shrink, kids. That means cardio. Lots of it. And calorie-control. Every day. There’s no secret. Stop searching for it. Use the ELF method: eat less food. (Copyright Rebecca Switzer).

I went shopping for some denim shorts this afternoon, seeing as the temperature is rapidly rising from mild springtime weather to molten lava exploding from the crust of the earth summer weather. My shopping results were…interesting. Shorts are only two years from no longer existing. And I don’t mean they’ll be obsolete as far as fashion is considered; I mean they’re going to be phased out entirely, because year by year, they get shorter and shorter.

They’re going to disappear. It won’t be long before “shorts” are just a piece of denim with a button and some belt loops with a price tag on them. The pockets on these shorts are hanging almost entirely out the bottom of the “legs.” I’ve seen longer inseams at a midget convention.

Does Skechers really think that marketing their Shape-Ups tennis shoes as the key to a fit, svelte body is accurate? “Step into YOUR new body with Skecher Shape Ups,” they say. Is Skechers trying to claim that wearing their tennis shoes will morph you into an Eva Mendes physique? Get real. Anyone in their right mind understands that donning a magical pair of shoes will not make you drop 6 dress sizes. ELF.

I am really in love with the Kia hamster commercial. They’re so gangster. I mean, they really made those hamsters bigger than hip, hop.

Their dancing? I love their dancing. Clearly Chris Brown coached these rodents.

“You can deal wit, DIS, or you can deal wit, DAT.”

Keep calm and ELF on, boys and girls.

Your amigo,



“Okay. That face is going to set us back in the bedroom.”

“I’m pumped! I can’t help it!”

“Yeah, I noticed that when you karate-kicked my makeup mirror.”