Tag Archives: America’s Got Talent

You catch more flies with honey.

12 Jul

Why the f-ck would I want to attract flies?

I’m pretty much over America’s Got Talent. Eight out of ten contestants are idiots with mental problems who are so bad they aren’t even entertaining. One out of ten contestants is mediocre at best, and they still vote them through. The last one out of ten is actually talented, and they should be on a show that takes them seriously.

I think the horrible auditions on this show should get slimed instead of buzzed. That would be a lot more gratifying of a consequence. Something to scare the talent-less blockheads out there out of auditioning in the first place. Sliming would be great. Electric shocks would also suffice. Trap doors that drop them into shark tanks would be even better.


I spent the first 18 years of my life turning up my nose at cottage cheese. It is by far one of the most unattractive foods in the world. My old college roommate would continually badger me to give it a try, and I would loudly decline her offer, making disgusted faces and telling her she was a barbarian for eating something so grotesque. I mean, look at it. It looks like something that’s growing in my kitchen sink. Then one day, I finally gave in. I sneered at the spoonful of cottage cheese, and begrudgingly put it in my mouth.

It was good.

After I got over the fact that it looks like VD, it tastes like string cheese.

I think it would be funny if instead of being sentenced to jail for nonviolent crimes, offenders had their crimes tattooed to their foreheads.






Tiaras are juvenile. People need to stop wearing them at proms and weddings. The only person who is allowed to don a tiara is Kate, and her opportunity was already redeemed at her royal wedding. Even then, it’s pushing it. They make you look like a four year old playing dress-up. Can we all agree on this?

A man on television just said, “She died ‘fairly instantaneously.’  Okay; it’s either instantaneously or it’s not. There’s no “fairly” instantaneously. That’s like saying “the car accident was relatively fatal.” The bitch either died or she didn’t. Am I the only one left in the world with a vocabulary more advanced than a third grader’s? I’m beginning to think that I am.

Well, I guess I’ll be going now. Have a mediocre day.


“She then told me that her friend who I also don’t know follows me as well and she loves me HARD. I was all like ‘get the f-ck out’ and she was all like ‘east side to the west side muthaf-cker’ and I was like ‘yeah I have no idea what’s going on now’. “



America’s Got Losers.

26 Jun


Long John Silvers needs to stop pretending that Aunt Jemima is back there in the kitchen whipping up homestyle, fresh-from-the-sea seafood like Paula Deen does in her country kitchen. Ex-cons with biker tattoos and black girls named Quaneisha’ are back there dumping frozen fish sticks in the grease vats. It’s fast food. Worse, it’s fast seafood. That’s an oxymoron. Make me a burger in sixty seconds or less—-Alright. Make me fried cod in sixty seconds or less? Food poisoning.

I love that the digital signature pads that you have to sign with the fake pen at the store checkout after you swipe your credit card say, “SIGNATURE APPROVED” after a few moments of “authorization.”  Signature “approved” my ass. You and I both know if I took that pen and drew a picture of a dick on that screen, it would “approve” it. Michael J. Fox could sign that pad in the back of a moving van and it would accept. A two year old Korean boy could scribble his name and that machine would pretend to spend a moment authenticating the signature before affirming that it is “approved.” Get real. “Signature approved” means “Okay, you have enough money for this purchase, we don’t give a shit who you are.”



Just when you think Wheat Thins can’t get any better, they come out with ranch flavored ones. Yum. They make your breath stink like ass, but boy are they fantastic. I ate a half a box of ranch Wheat Thins yesterday for dinner. That was a mistake. I couldn’t stop though. I did not purchase them again at the store in fear of a repeat occurrence. If you have any self control though, I recommend trying them.

I am really tempted to use this dish soap as body wash:

I am not exaggerating. Dawn Hand Renewal with Olay in Pomegranate Splash. This detergent smells good enough to squeeze onto a loofa and lather up in the shower with. Men and women alike would flock toward the intoxicating aroma of Pomegranate Splash wafting from my skin. Really, it would bring all the boys to the yard.


Someone stupid: *sigh*

Someone stupid (five minutes later):  *rolls eyes*

Stop with the stupid status updates, FREAKS!!!!!!!


I have mixed feelings about the television show “America’s Got Talent.”  The talent is a needle in a haystack. I’m tired of watching idiotic jokers waste my viewing time by juggling eggs and singing the Star Spangled Banner poorly. America got over the bad auditions after the first season of American Idol. We got our laughs out back in 2004. Just show me talented people who can move mountains with their voice, and black guys who can dance like Usher. Even with all the invalids riding unicycles and and telling shitty riddles, I feel like they put everyone through. It’s not like the show puts me on edge. Really it just makes me grind my teeth and repeat, “This is so bad. So bad,” over and over again.

Well, let’s do this again some time.


“Sorry, I was thinking about tater tots.”