All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

13 Dec

I was reflecting upon my childhood diet the other day. This is all I ate from ages 6 until 11:

  • Cherry Pop-Tarts
  • Fruit by the Foot
  • Fruit Roll-Ups
  • Spaghettios
  • Cinnamon Toast Crunch
  • Count Chocula
  • Miracle Whip on white bread (it’s true)
  • Kraft macaroni and cheese

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No wonder kids lose all their teeth. It’s not to make room for new permanent teeth, it’s because our diet is made completely up of sugar, salt, and nitrates. My mouth rebelled against me (along with the rest of my body). Good thing I ran around like an ape with ADHD 23 hours a day as a youngin’. Without my incessant need to constantly be running around catching snakes and toads, I would have weighed somewhere north of 200 pounds by the fourth grade.

I’m watching an exclusive interview with Piers Morgan and Motley Crue, and I’ve made a startling discovery:

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Mick Mars is:  Emperor Palpatine.

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Am I right? Let’s take another look.

Mick Mars….?
.
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…..or Emperor Palpatine?
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I smell an identity theft case.

People need to stop shortening words. It’s not cute. It’s nauseating and stupid. SO STUPID! This includes, but is not limited to, “Presh, gorge, fab, adorbs, totes, fave, probs,” and “ridic.”  Yesterday I was reading reviews on a pair of boots, and this is the atrocity I came across:
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I had a half a mind to report it as inappropriate. Are you kidding me? Even the busiest person in the world has enough time to avoid looking like a stupid ass. This needs to stop.

Nicole Scherzinger needs to bury herself alive. At first I thought her mouthwatering good looks were enough to float her along, but this has just gone too far. Everything that comes out of her mouth on The X Factor is pointless, annoying, and retarded. Also, her dramatic faux emotions? Ugh. Stop pretending to be moved, stop crying, stop being a douche, Nicole. As a side note, as much as I love Marcus Canty, Rachel Crow earned her place in this competition with her save-me song. You suck, Scherzinger.
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Well, I’m going to go digest my tacos. Remember that we are now in a new prize period! The next winner will be drawn on Sunday, December 18th. To become eligible for the drawings, all you have to do is 1) be subscribed to Sheppard’s Pie, and 2) leave a comment or forty!  (Find out more here: PRIZES!) Every comment you leave puts your name in the drawing for the next prize, which is a totally bitchin’ convenient and brilliant invention: the union of the cozy mitten plus an ice scraper to help make your morning car-scraping ritual a little less painful this winter.

That’s right, folks. Be in it to win it.

Thanks for stopping by.

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“Nick’s roommate pulled the ol ‘slam your beer bottle on top of someone else’s beer to make it fizz up’ (mine) and like a jack ass, I stuck my thumb in it to make it spray everywhere in a retaliation attempt, which was great. Then I looked down and noticed glass sticking out of my thumb and blood was everywhere. The joke, once again, was on me.”

-Cole

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10 Responses to “All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.”

  1. Patrick December 13, 2011 at 8:46 pm #

    Beer bottle story: ouch.

  2. disseminatedthought December 13, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    The incessant abbreviating proves one thing: that semi-illiterate morons buy their own shoes.

  3. Al, eh? December 13, 2011 at 10:35 pm #

    Hells yeah to the Cinn Tst Crch!

  4. Online Affiliates December 13, 2011 at 10:48 pm #

    What a wonderful post thank you. I really enjoyed it very much. You have an amazing blog here.

    This changed my life.

    Check it out – Everyone is Invited

  5. jcabsep December 14, 2011 at 3:13 am #

    Great blog and innovative idea with the prize giveaways- smart! Most of the Crue are looking rougher these days. How the hell is that guys still alive?

  6. julibel December 14, 2011 at 8:36 am #

    I love your blog and have been reading it for some time now, makes me laugh so much. Greetings from Argentina. I hope you know where that is haha .
    And I do believe Mick Mars looks like Palpatine, but the actor in the movie has got to be the pope. He looks so much like him!

    • beccasheppard January 15, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

      I would deserve to be karate chopped in the throat if I didn’t know where Argentina is. Haha! Thanks for reading. I will be posting again SOOOOON!

  7. Massiecre January 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    BECCA! If you read this PLEASE make a new post. I’ve been checking religiously to see if you have humored us with anything new. I hope you haven’t died, gone blind, or lost the part of your brain that provides comedy and typing skills.

    • beccasheppard January 15, 2012 at 9:40 pm #

      Haha – dude, I know. I am failing miserably at keeping up. See, the truth is, I’ve been drinking a lot lately. I promise to pump one out before the end of the week. Thanks for motivating me.

  8. Richie Rich January 24, 2012 at 1:09 am #

    Haha, I’m proud of you for the Emperor Palpatine reference.

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