11 Dec

I just scraped a bunch of skin off my knuckles while carrying my laundry basket down the narrow cinder-block walled staircase that leads into the basement. It’s impossible to put bandaids all over these wounds. I feel like I might have to take a rubber glove, fill it with Neosporin, and then just wear it for a few days. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor.

Just this morning I said, “It’s about that time of year again….that time of year where I get sick.”  Not three hours later, I find myself sniffling, sneezing, and moaning with the oncoming symptoms of an annoying cold. I am rather stuffed up over here. Also, my noggin is a poundin’, and my energy is at a bare minimum. On top of that, I can’t seem to heat up my body no matter what I do. I just put a sheet of chocolate chip cookies in the oven, and I had to stop myself from crawling right on in there to get toasty. I feel like doing nothing but merely existing on my couch in my sweat pants with tissues dangling from my nostrils, watching What Not To Wear.

That show has got me by the balls. I forgot how great it was. Are these people serious? Some of these individuals need electroshock therapy because of the things they’ve been wearing. I just watched an episode where this woman wore nothing but turtle items. Turtle everything. Shirts with turtles on them, giant gaudy turtle necklaces, turtle pants, turtle bracelets—and on top of all this turtle paraphernalia, she wore Crocs and mens cargo shorts. Bad.

I’m glad I avoided living in a generation where people still used folding paper road maps to navigate their way through the world. I have been lucky enough to be blessed in the era of Map Quest, quickly evolving into Google Maps directions, then the invention of the GPS, followed by turn-by-turn navigation on my smart phone. Thank God. Can you imagine having to try to use a map the size of a table cloth whilst driving throughout a busy city trying to locate a Bank of America? Big creases through entire cities, ketchup stains on toll road signs, rips through the legend. What a nightmare. Mapping and driving is more dangerous than texting and driving. I am so happy to be able to just fire up the ol’ cell phone and say, “Send me to Omaha, Phone,” and it does. It just does.

….Droid. Droid does. You get it.

I wish for someone to purchase me Hungry, Hungry Hippos for Christmas. I truly love that game. I also loved that game where the little fish went around the circular “pond” chomping their teeth together, and you had this tiny little fishing rod of sorts to catch them with. Memories. It’d be funny if they replaced the hippos in the game with really hungry people like Nicole Richie and Kate Moss and Mary-Kate Olsen. Except then the balls that the hippos chomp after wouldn’t be balls, they’d be diet pills.

Never mind.

SO, this week I will finally be returning to the glorious Midwest for the holidays. I can’t wait to see my fellow Council Bluffians and be a little irresponsible while donning Christmas sweaters on the reg. WHEW! I trust you all have delightful holiday plans this year. If not, maybe this will brighten your day:

I will be holding the next drawing on Sunday, December 18!

The next prize iiiiiis:


This fantastic invention in which the classic puffy warm mitten meets the windshield ice scraper in a glorious marriage, keeping your extremities toasty while you scrape snow off your car in the frosty mornings this winter. The actual scraper-glove I’m giving away is even cooler than the one pictured above. This is a fantastic invention. To become eligible for prize drawings, all you have to do is 1) be subscribed to Sheppard’s Pie by email, and 2) leave comments! Every comment you leave puts your name into the drawing. Good luck!

Time to go. Bye now.


B:   When do you think we’ll be hungry enough to eat our dessert?

A:   I hope soon.


19 Responses to “illin’.”

  1. Patrick December 11, 2011 at 7:58 pm #

    I did not know you were giving away prizes. This is probably because I read 31.48% of these. They are pretty entertaining 🙂

  2. Emily December 11, 2011 at 7:59 pm #

    That glove is an awesome invention!

  3. Chris December 11, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    Can’t wait for blueberry stuffed french toast. But be sure to give me at least a days notice, I have to make it the night before.

  4. clay December 11, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    i do not want that pink glove thingy. ugh.

    • beccasheppard December 11, 2011 at 8:26 pm #

      It is not pink! The one I have is a cool wintery pattern. Plus, I happen to know for a fact that you love pink.

  5. informationforager December 11, 2011 at 8:19 pm #

    I liked this. I am a veteran of the folding map generation. I hadn’t ever thought about it before, but you are right this generation doesn’t really use maps.

    An interesting thing about GPS is that it was designed somewhat for women to use easier. Most men(but not all) orient everything by where is NORTH ALL THE TIME. In the good old map reading days women would turn the map in the direction they were going(not all women). This is supposedly why the GPS turns as you turn, that the FRONT is ALWAYS the direction you are heading. I read this in some psychology journal. Don’t really know if it’s true but it makes some sense. Anyway, Keep Blogging, Keep Writing.

    • beccasheppard December 11, 2011 at 8:28 pm #

      I would die without my turn-by-turn. I don’t know how you guys did it back in the day! Haha

  6. Debbie December 12, 2011 at 12:11 am #

    Ewwwie! I like the scraper…but even more, the sarcastic clammer, precariously spattered throughout each blog, and mated with dauntingly perfect pics, in case the full effect had not been thoroughly impactful. (I could certainly use a new scraper!)

  7. MasterBlaster December 12, 2011 at 6:02 am #

    You truly have alot to say but this little tidbit should help warm you up put your self in the hot tub this is what I have to do when I come in from the cold i get so cold to the bone it’s the only way to warm up right into the bed where after it’s all warmed up you usually fall right asleep.

  8. jcabsep December 12, 2011 at 7:02 am #

    You think driving with a map is bad, you should try flying a plane with the folding maps (called sectionals) that are we are required to have. GPS in airplanes is becoming more affordable, but paper is the cheapest way to go.

    • beccasheppard December 12, 2011 at 7:22 pm #

      Holy crap. That sounds like the most awful thing in the world. God bless technology.

  9. the waiting December 12, 2011 at 9:18 am #

    I would totally buy the rehabbed (haha) Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

  10. Bonnie Clinch (@bonbonthewonton) December 12, 2011 at 9:31 am #

    I had a really great visual of you curled up on your couch with tissues hanging out your nose. You had red long johns on. Also, you had a plaid snuggie and a cup of tea. Do you drink tea?

    I have no need for a scraper. I go out to my car 30 minutes before I leave and crank the heat to melt all the ice away. I hate scraping the windows with every fiber of my being. I do not need to win the next drawing.

  11. Faux Negro December 12, 2011 at 7:03 pm #

    Italian almond creme cake.

    …that is all.

  12. clay December 12, 2011 at 7:04 pm #

    for six months, i was a pedi-cab driver in the pasir panjang district of singapore. fresh off the boat, 22 years old and only a love of maps. well, that and young asian women.
    without maps, the first two months would have been impossible. pedalling your way through tens of thousands of little asian people on bikes (and we know how THEY drive),
    with a family in my yoke yelling at me, can make you more nervous than sending your kids off to football camp. but through perserverance and sweat, i learned that god forsaken
    city. and only got two paper cuts.

    without that experience, i wouldn’t have the lucrative career i have now which allows me that time to sit and make up stories. you’re welcome.

  13. Jessica Roxburgh December 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm #

    i LOVE the fishy game!!! i think i might just go get one now. those things are the shit!

  14. Andrea lee December 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm #

    Vicodin helps all sicknesses..and we have all those games…my feet have stepped on every fucking piece in the middle of the night…hardwood…cold floor.

  15. Katie December 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm #

    This prize is rigged. I could never reach the middle of the windsheild with that little thing. I sense that you are secretly mocking short people with this prize, and I disapprove.

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