Pillow talk.

19 Oct

I was driving down the road today when I thought of something funny to write about. Being that I was manning a sports utility vehicle at the time, I didn’t have the means, nor the opportunity to jot it down. “I’ll remember it later,” I said.

I didn’t.

Alright, Lauren Conrad. You have sucked at life on your annoying reality tv shows in good old California, and for that, you are on my shit list. However, your Kohl’s clothing line has nearly completely redeemed you. Great threads. Just great. So much lace and chiffon and lovely neutrals and dusty roses and OH the goods. I need six million dollars to spend on trendy clothes. Someone win me the lottery.

It was decided that our pillows were in need of replacing finally. What once were fluffy, springy, puffs of comfort are now flat, lumpy, lifeless sacks of sadness. We needed new ones. After drooling uncontrollably over Lauren Conrad’s clothing line at Kohl’s, I made my way back to the bedding and started looking at the pillows. I didn’t know where to start. Shopping for new pillows is a daunting task. You stand there trying to hunch down and rest your head on the pillow which is enclosed in a plastic bag, then you start squeezing it with your hands in an attempt to gauge the firmness, except that doesn’t work because no one ever squeezes their pillows between their palms. What does this pillow feel like?! You stress. How does it compare to my old faithful?! AHHH!!!!!

Frustrating.

I went with a medium and a firm. The medium was a mistake. It swallows my head like an angel food cake made of down. Should have gotten two firms. Good thing Kohl’s has a rockin’ return policy.

Can anybody tell me what the F-CK Nicole Scherzinger was thinking when she put freaking Dexter through on The X Factor? Are you kidding me? Dexter is a kooky old homeless black man that has critters living in his hair. He wears platform shoes, stumbles around like a drunk prostitute with prosthetic legs, lives in an air-brushed denim jacket, and just scowls and screams. The man doesn’t even sing. He’s a crazy bum. What is this, Boiling Points? Also, Nicole, your long, dramatic pauses and unnecessary “build-ups” are really making me want to stop watching. Don’t be so kitsch. You’re just annoying. I’m sorry. You’re mega hot, but you’re being f-cking annoying.

And SIMON? Lay off the liquor. I don’t know if you noticed, but you put stupid f-cking Simone through instead of hot, angelic voiced Caitlin Koch. Simone is an idiot. I hate her. And then MELANIE?! You’re lucky you redeemed yourself and brought her back, because I was enraged and ready to boycott the television show. Little chubby Rachel and Melanie hold it down. Their voices move mountains. Drew Xzyq40wicz is also just incredible.

I’m really glad LA Reid & Rihanna aren’t total morons and got rid of the Vanilla Ice imitating pest named Nick Voss and his hopeless, irritating Elvis persona. His jitter leg? I wanted to fire a cannon at him every time he jitterbugged and Parkinsoned his ass around the stage. Ugh.

Little rapping Brian makes my day. Little niglet really gets me going. He’s great. And then Marcus? Marcus has the voice of a g-ddamn angel.

Well, time to go watch more shows about serial killers. Investigation Discovery Channel has got me by the balls.

….Stop lookin’ at mah mom! Mah mom!

X Factor joke. Whatever. Bye.

____________________________________________________________________

“That’s what she got me for my birthday. Like, I know almost everything came from the Dollar Store, because I’ve seen it there.”

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8 Responses to “Pillow talk.”

  1. KeitherB October 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    LOL i chuckled as soon as saw your header , awesome ! im new to the blogging world but thats not stopping me from jumping in head first 🙂 ….and the Pie looks delicious haha cool blog , ill be following ….Keith

  2. breezyk October 19, 2011 at 8:42 pm #

    Omg I feel the exact same way about Nicole- I posted about this recently. Did you see the episode where she spontaneously busted into “I will always love you”? Cringe. And Dexter! When she was holding his hand all I could think was “who’s got the purel waiting for her offstage”. Seriously.

    • beccasheppard October 19, 2011 at 8:43 pm #

      Right?! The crying?! All the crying?! Haha. So unnecessary. Fakers.

  3. Emily Shanks October 20, 2011 at 9:26 am #

    1. Niglets- awesome. It’s part of my regular vocabulary. 2. Investigation Discovery consumes my life.

  4. missmkb October 20, 2011 at 9:51 am #

    Heading to Kohls. Now. In the car actually.

    ..Ok that’s a lie I’m sitting in my bed, but you’ve got me all excited about LC’s (gag) clothing line. Almost excited enough to get me out of the house.

  5. Andrea lee December 3, 2011 at 12:27 am #

    Put your flat pillows in the dryer twice after washing them in hot water and using good detergent and great smelling softener…get the cover on and I guarantee you will be living in pillow heaven again…I’m a laundry soap and softener expert…and I’m forever searching for the detergent/liquid softener/softener sheet combo to compete my life. Victorias Secret takes the cake.

    • beccasheppard December 4, 2011 at 8:51 pm #

      Ha! That’s excellent. I am really big on Febreze as of late. My mom’s laundry somehow smells so wonderfully of Tide every time. I love that smell.

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