Don’t be a ghoul, wrap your tool.

2 Oct

Halloween is fast approaching. For children, a magical time to turn into ghouls, Buzz Lightyears, and mini Hannah Montanas, collect candy, tell spooky stories about haunted houses and ghosts, and carve pumpkins. For twenty-somethings and young adults, a time to dress like mega skanks, show off their asscheeks, dress like Lady Gaga and unlicensed nurses, pound gin & tonics and Samuel Adams Oktoberfests until they projectile vomit, and have unprotected sex with someone dressed as a Whoopie Cushion or an inflatable penis and then deny it the next day. All in all, a magical time for everyone involved.

I doubt I will be dressing as something slutty and/or pounding alcoholic drinks this year, seeing as I am in Pennsylvania way from my boozing buddies. That means I’ll be at home being harassed by costumed children expecting king size Snickers bars and popcorn balls from 5pm to 11pm at night. I remember when I was a kid, my brother and I would always look forward to the “rich people” who handed out king size candy bars, dollar bills, and cans of pop. My expectations were high, but they can’t possibly compare to the demands of children of this generation. Kids are so spoiled these days. They probably turn up their noses at anything less than an iPod Shuffle. “Butterfingers? Cheap ass!” (Pumpkin kick).

This year I don’t live in an apartment building. I rent from a house that has three units in it in a neighborhood filled with kids. There’s no way to dodge the trick-or-treating bullet this Halloween. I intend to avoid the trick-or-treaters this year by pulling the ol’ “leave a basket filled with goodies on the front porch” move. Avoid the doorbell ringing/door-answering/candy-handing entirely.

I should leave a basket outside filled with Saltine crackers. Haha. Or just raw almonds. Or ketchup packets. Or tampons.

Haha. Ah, yes. Shitty treats. Are shitty treats better than no treats? Aren’t girls starting to have sex and get their periods nowadays at the age of like 9 anyway? They probably need that tampon.

If I did answer the door and hand out the candy myself, I would just keep the bowl of “treats” above the kids’ eye-level so they couldn’t really see what was in there, and just grab handfuls of condoms and bury it deep into their candy bags and send them on their way. They probably need those too. Cripes, as colorful as condoms are and as many flavors that they come in, they’re not much different from candy. Am I right?

I wonder if kids trick-or-treated at Planned Parenthood if they’d hand out condoms, lube, Plan B, and birth control. That would be excellent. Well, sad/excellent.

Time to watch the Dexter season six premier. I am antsy in my pants!

Adios, amigos. Remember, you are what you eat.


“Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim is actually my friend.”


2 Responses to “Don’t be a ghoul, wrap your tool.”

  1. Becky Delport (@BexstarD) October 2, 2011 at 6:51 pm #

    We don’t celebrate Halloween in my country. Which suits me fine because I hate children. Especially children who are dressed up & try to put poo in my mailbox because I won’t give them candy. Fuckers!

    However I’d be mad keen to knife me a pumpkin.

  2. missmkb October 3, 2011 at 9:46 am #

    I am really looking forward to showing an excessive amount of ass-cheek this year (that’s right, everyones’ only gettin’ one side)

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