Feces Pieces.

11 Sep


My dog rolled in shit again today. Right before I left for a nice fancy dinner at Red Lobster. He smelled like roadkill. Shit isn’t exactly Miss Dior Cherie. Terrible timing. I went back inside, squirted a hand towel with Dawn dish soap, and scrubbed his head and back with it, then left for my endless-shrimp meal. I wasn’t about to let a feces covered canine ruin my evening plans. After stuffing myself with seafood, I came home to my shit-fest dog, just ranking up the place. I had no choice but to give him an aggressive bathing.



He knew. The little bastard tried to escape. For the first time ever he resisted the bath. He loves shit that much. Bird poop, cat poop, raccoon poop—he can’t wait to find it and rub his face in it. I’ve never known another creature to love the smell of shit as much as this dog. He did not want it to come off. I scooped his stinky carcass up and dumped him into the shower, where he received a very serious scrubbing with about half a liter of puppy shampoo. I almost had to use vinegar. Unreal.



Tonight was the first time I ever ate at Red Lobster. I was suckered in by their endless shrimp special. Shrimp refills, as many as I want? Who can say no to that?

It was way too much. They served me enough shrimp to sink a shrimping vessel. I’m going to reek of garlic and butter and seafood until next Wednesday. Just like my dog. Except I smell like food, and he smells like diarrhea.

Red Lobster’s biscuits are a problem. They’re so delicious. I can see myself becoming physically dependent on them. They’re so buttery and soft and wonderful. I want to crawl inside one and hibernate for the winter, then eat my way out of it in the spring. Also, their mashed potatoes? Creamy heavenliness. Those two items alone would keep me coming back.

I like that they named the restaurant “Red” Lobster, as if we didn’t already realize that lobsters were red. Give me a “wet” water please, waiter. Redundancy.

Everyone in the restaurant was the size of a mini van. So many fats. They were there for the endless dishes too, obviously. Red Lobster is like a casino buffet for seafood. People who are eating there consider it a swanky meal because it has “lobster” in the name.



I really love caesar salads. Nothing gets me going quite like a crispy, slightly anchovy, asiago and romano sprinkled caesar salad with crunchy croutons. Mmm. The issue that I have with salads however is that once I run out of croutons, it’s game over. I can’t keep eating just lettuce. It doesn’t work like that. I need some crunch in my lunch, you know?

I was really excited to get that to rhyme. It was anticlimactic.

Well, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend filled with whiskey, fast food, and shame. Until next time, I bid you adieu.


That’s what I’m talkin’ about.”


6 Responses to “Feces Pieces.”

  1. whatimeant2say September 11, 2011 at 7:41 pm #

    Seriously. That’s not the same dog in both pictures, right? If so, that is one heckuva before and after sequence.

    • beccasheppard September 11, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

      Haha, not the same dog. Random Google images.

  2. Jason September 11, 2011 at 8:07 pm #

    Every time I go to Red Lobster for endless shrimp, I do my best to get iodine poison. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve been wheeled out in a wheel chair because my fat couldn’t move an inch.

  3. Melanie p September 11, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    I hope you don’t mind if I steal your sign off, seems to describe my friends

  4. Randon September 12, 2011 at 3:09 pm #

    Lobsters aren’t red until they’re cooked. They are just informing you that their seafood is cooked as required by the FDA.
    Maybe that’s why you don’t see a “Kentucky Baked Chicken” anywhere.

  5. cassiecares September 14, 2011 at 11:05 am #

    I hate when dogs roll in shit. Especially their own shit. I wish I could be in a dog’s mind for the moments leading up to the decision. “Well, I guess this is what I need to do now.RIGHT now.”

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