1:34 pm on Monday, September 5th. I find myself in the living room wearing long pants, a shirt, and covered in a furry, warm blanket. At this exact minute yesterday, had someone tried to coerce me into wearing pants or even showed me a blanket, I would have choked a bitch and fled screaming. The heat would have made me actually explode. The heat has finally vanished. It’s 61 degrees outside and rainy. BOY do I love me some chilly weather. I will be donning a cozy sweatshirt and fuzzy socks soon. I am tickled pink that it is finally feeling like fall.
You might remember that the Dirt Devil I bought for $32 works about as well as dragging a towel around the carpet (it’s a complete piece of shit, and calling it a “vacuum” is really false advertising). I do not wish to continually borrow my next door neighbor’s 100 pound sweeper circa 1980, so I went on an Craigslist search to get myself a new sucker. I came across a woman selling a Eureka bag-less vacuum cleaner for $40, and locked it in. I’ll be picking it up on Wednesday, and then the rest of the day will be spent sucking up dog fur, carpet particles, hair, and Oreo crumbs until the floor is clean enough to coat myself in honey and roll around on without having anything stuck to me afterward.
I hope it works. BOY will I be pissed if it blows.
One day when I am filthy rotten rich and live in a home that I care about and have household items that are worth spending money on because I no longer live the nomadic life of a roofing gypsy, I wish to own an infamous Kirby or Rainbow vacuum cleaner. I will walk around dangling bowling balls from the hose extension just to brag, pour buckets of sand into my Turkish rugs just to clean it up again, and suck the remote control toward me when I am too lazy to get up. It will be fabulous. That vacuum and I will go down into history as the greatest friends that ever lived.
A girl can dream.
My body is currently made up of 45% Dr. Pepper and 55% blood right now. Chik-Fil-A really nailed the syrup-to-carbonation ratio on the head. It’s perfect. I would like to live off of it for the rest of my days. My teeth would fall out. I’d be huge.
You can’t win them all.
“I am drinking a Playboy magazine and reading a Bud Light in my friend’s parents’ garage. America.”