It’s here again. Football season. I will hear nothing but football chatter, stat comparisons, and Fantasy draft banter day in and day out in my home for the next several months. The television will constantly be bogarted and nothing will cross that screen except large black men chasing a pigskin ball. If there are 365 days in a year, football is on 400 of those days. It seems as if the season never ends.
To help ring in the 2011/12 football season, allow me to again list things I would rather do than watch it.
Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Football – 2011.
1. Eat an entire roll of fiberglass insulation.
2. Sprinkle poison ivy in my salad.
3. Run a marathon with nothing but warm Vitamin D whole milk available to hydrate with.
4. Wear a diaper under my pants every day for the rest of my life.
6. Clean toilets for a living.
7. Wear overalls to a wedding.
8. Get slapped in the face with a cactus on my birthday.
9. Shit a cheese grater.
10. Use a keyboard that blasted an air horn with every letter that is typed.
11. Eat a roll of toilet paper.
12. Listen to nothing but Kidz Bop CDs for the rest of my life.
13. Give birth to a minivan.
14. Naturally smell like sulphur.
15. Saw off my own head.
16. Bitch slap Chuck Liddell.
17. Sing a Nicki Minaj song in front of my grandma.
18. Get stranded in the desert with nothing but a gallon of maple syrup.
19. Only be allowed to use the toilet once a week.
20. Live out of a Ford Tempo for an entire year.
21. Drive a Kia Soul.
You get the idea.
J: “I just ordered Pizza Hut online. In the ‘anything else we can do?’ box, I said, ‘Draw a dragon on the box.’ I’ll keep you posted.”