Attention all ladies and overweight males: the perfect bra has been found. The search for comfort, steadfast elasticity, and a seamless silhouette has finally been nailed. Victoria’s Secret has created the most incredible bra ever, cleverly named the “Incredible Bra.”
I am not even messing around about this. I had barely even finished putting this thing on and I was already in disbelief at how awesome it was. My boobs were smiling. They were actually smiling. No pinching, no tightening required, it was snug, comfortable, and seamless. I have boobs the size of hamburger patties, but I am constantly struggling with bra straps that are trying desperately to migrate south for the winter. I’m constantly having to tighten them and pull them up. Plus, they need readjusting about fifty times a day. After I bought one (okay, I bought two), I went directly into the bathroom at the mall, ripped off my old bra, and donned the new one. I could not have been happier. Big breasted women and man-boobs males, get out there and get yourself an Incredible Bra. You’ll thank me.
So the other night, Trent and I tried a delicious Italian restaurant nearby called DeNunzio’s. It was superbly delicious, and I will be returning multiple times before I leave Pennsylvania. This is not the point. What I’m getting at is the company we kept while dining at this lovely Italian Ristorante. Keep in mind it was a pretty classy joint; like, there aren’t ketchup bottles sitting on the table, and there aren’t sticker producing quarter-slot machines for children to run around and get fake tattoos out of or anything. There aren’t french fries on the menu. It’s a nice restaurant. ANYway, I look to my right after we were seated, and see this man sitting at the table next to us:
Nice pixelated camouflage mesh spandex tank top, you freaking weirdo. Are you serious? I wouldn’t even wear this to a tractor pull. What was this man thinking? Who buys that shirt? Who manufactures that shirt? Would a polo have killed you, Steve? Would it have? This shirt, if you insist upon keeping it (and God only knows why you would), is only acceptable to wear if you are mowing the lawn or jogging. And if you are doing either of those activities in it, it had better be before 5 a.m. when it is dark, and no one is up and around to witness you in it.
That man could not possibly have teenagers. They would have ripped him (and it) to shreds. Unless of course they all have that shirt. Some families do that sort of stuff…you know, for pictures. Usually that’s in all denim though, not stretchy, cut-off spandex fatigues. So bad.
The other day I was browsing some apps for my phone in the Droid Market, when I came across an interesting one and started reading reviews. This was one review/comment left by someone:
“Itz ohk I thinx itt kan be betrr.”
I’m supposed to take advice from someone who spells 6 out of 8 words incorrectly?
WHY do people type like this? I’m so serious about exterminating people like this. It needs to be done. We cannot allow degenerates like this to populate our earth. It’s poison to society. Stupids. So many stupids.
Okay, time to plunge into a piping hot bowl of wonton soup.
“I am so hung over. My head ache? I am never drinking again. Either Nick or I threw up in his kitchen sink last night. We will never know who.
….I just dropped my pizza in the sink. Suicide is in my not so distant future.”