Shake & Quake.

24 Aug

So there I was, tinkling in the bathroom in my bedroom when suddenly the toilet began shaking. Surprise poop? I thought. Then I realized the entire bathroom was shaking, and the walls were trembling. I looked up and saw the clothes in the closet swinging back and forth. “Holy shit, is this house about to collapse?”  I wondered, and then thought about how awkward it would be to find me in a pile of rubble with my pants around my ankles. This phenomena lasted about 8 seconds. I looked up at the ceiling. “Is my fat neighbor falling down or something?” I wondered.

Moments later I logged onto Facebook and saw a post that read, “Um, did we just experience a minor earthquake?”  It clicked. 5.8 earthquake in Virginia shook the entire east and central regions of the country.

I am an earthquake survivor. I will immediately go out and print myself a t-shirt proclaiming so.


I just painted my nails candy apple red. They look good enough to eat. One might be tempted to stab a stick through them and dip them in caramel sauce. I used Essie brand in “Jag-u-are,” which is a stupid name. I hope it stays on for longer than 2 days. I hate it when my nail polish chips. It enrages me. I become livid with anger. It takes so much time and tedious effort, and then one chip and the entire thing is a bust.

Life is rough.

Google is starting to get really abstract with their title illustrations. Half the time I can’t make out a single letter, it’s so indiscernible. What are they trying to do over there? Like, this is an actual “Google” title:


Unbelievable. My dog could take a shit and they would say it spelled out “Google.”


I was standing in line at the grocery store the other day, and while I was waiting for the person in front of me to finish, I flipped through the latest Cosmopolitan. Then I started thinking, do you think the store is pissed that I’m reading that magazine?  Reading a few pages of the magazine is no different than taking a few bites out of a golden delicious in the produce section. I’m sampling the goods. Can they force you to buy the magazine for reading some of it? I feel like they should be able to. I’m glad they don’t though. Nothing passes the time quite like looking at other celebrities’ cellulite and ruined marriages while you’re waiting in line at the super market.

Fall is fast approaching. I am tickled pink. I’ve had it up to here with the oppressively hot and humid life-smothering summer temperatures. Nothing pleases me more than being able to comfortably wear jeans and a sweatshirt in brisk, crisp fall weather. I become giddy as the temperature dips. Cold weather really gets me going. Come on home, Jack Frost.

WELL, time for me to do other stuff besides this.

Peace out, river trout.


B:   “I mean, Mexico’s got the always delightful tacos and burritos, Italy gave us pasta, China brought us fried rice and crab rangoon…..what does America really even have?”

B:   “Well…..hamburgers, hotdogs…..nitrates.”


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