Moo juice.

12 Aug

I got a wild hair up my ass today while I was in the grocery store, and purchased a carton of vanilla flavored almond milk. It exceeded my expectations. I sprinkled a little Equal in there, and sucked down probably a quarter of the container just tonight. At least it has half the calories of milk, so I don’t go from moo-moo to muumuu in the blink of an eye.

My illness continues. I have had a sinus headache since Friday night. My skull feels like it’s a basketball filled so full of air that it is just milliseconds away popping. I’m so clogged up. My brain feels like a bowling ball. I have blown my nose so many times today. How can there be any mucus left? I don’t even know where it’s coming from. The snot elves are working overtime up there in my nasal cavity. Assholes. Take a lunch break. Cripes.

I was driving behind an [idiot] driver today on the highway whose license plate tag said “I’d rather be WEAVING.”  Obviously that woman and I would never be friends. Your life must suck really, really badly if all you would rather be doing is making sweaters for cats with yarn.

I have come across an unusually high number of “your/you’re” and “they’re/there/their” offenders today. The issue is that these people are people I barely know or do not know at all who somehow pop up on my newsfeed, polluting it with improper grammar and spelling. You know, stinking up the place. Farting all over the dictionary, as it were. I desperately want to be the grammar assassin and correct them, but it doesn’t seem polite. What would Jesus do?

If you are a man looking to increase your sex appeal, and let’s be honest, who isn’t (besides James Franco who physically cannot become any sexier than he already is), immediately leave your home, get into your vehicle, and drive yourself to the nearest Wal-Mart or Target and purchase yourself Dove Men+Care Clean Comfort.

The smell alone will drive women in heat from every neighboring town to flock to you instinctively. You won’t even know what to do to ward them off. Women will be drawn to your scent in a staggering, zombie-like trance, stopping at nothing to get to your flesh. It will be insane. You will feel uncomfortable because of the attention you will receive because of how tantalizing you will smell.

Have I made my point?

You’re welcome, Dove.

…I just reached over, grabbed Trent by the arm and started sniffing again. It’s that good. I am not exaggerating.

Well, I need to watch some television. It’s that time of night. Goodbye.

_______________________________________________________________

“The best chocolate milk comes from a Whole Foods type of store near my hometown….it comes in a glass bottle, and you can only buy it by the half gallon. There’s nothing skim about it.”

 

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2 Responses to “Moo juice.”

  1. clay August 12, 2011 at 8:37 pm #

    thats the first time that i’ve ever been told ‘if you want to be irresistible to women,
    get in your car and go to wal-mart’. but then again, i guess if i were surrounded by
    the throngs of booger-picking morons at wally world, i might not look too bad.

  2. beccasheppard August 13, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

    Haha, that is definitely not something you hear on the reg. You’re right.

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