Go ahead and bury me.

6 Aug


I am sicky sick, you guys. I’ve got the super stuffy, running-like-a-faucet nose, sore throat, sinus headache, foggy nonfunctioning brain, serial sneezes, and all of my energy has been zapped. I’ve been wiping my dripping nose on my shirt sleeve all day. I can’t live like this. Once again, I blame traveling through the airports. Airports are like petri dishes for germs and viral infections. It’s like sick stew. People traveling here and there from different cities, states, and countries. Heading into an airport may as well be like walking into Walgreen’s and purchasing AIDS. I’m asking for it. It was an international airport after all. Who knows what the Asians were carrying over from China. Becky Delport, did you somehow send your virus all the way from New Zealand via airplane to come and seek me out, you bitch?

Since I can’t breathe through my nose or smell anything at all, I figured today would be a good day to go out and pick up the metric ton of dog shit that has been accumulating in my yard for 10+ days. I filled three-quarters of a supermarket bag. That’s a lot. I wonder what the garbage man will think.

Saturday is my binge eating day, and I have been planning on getting Chinese food (they owe it to me), but at this point it will probably taste like dirt to my compromised palette and will ultimately be a waste of money.


Being sick makes me a worthless human being. All I want to do is sit slouched over on the couch with my eyes half-open and mouth agape, breathing obnoxiously through my mouth while maintaining a slightly pain-filled face. I moan every now and again just to remind anyone around me how crummy I’m feeling, for good measure. At least it’s Shark Week still. Shark Week is the best week to be feeling under the weather. I can just sit in front of the television and watch great whites tear apart helpless surfers on my big screen for hours on end.


I am not in favor of sharks eating cute little seals. Can’t they just eat piles and piles of other fish? Mammals have feelings. Fish don’t. Just eat tuna. Everybody loves tuna. It makes me sad. It also makes me sad that killer whales, one of my favorite creatures on the planet, murder dolphins and innocent seals by beating them to death and then swallowing them almost whole. Again, why can’t they just load up on Atlantic salmon? It’s free.

This post is short, but you can get the fack over it. My brain is barely working. I need to sit and drool upon myself and watch lunatics hand-feed sharks the size of school buses.



B:  “The sink is so clogged. I am not sticking my hand down there. I’ll throw up.”

R:  “I’ll try.       …..ughh.”

B:  “What is it?”

R:  “It feels like….flesh.”


2 Responses to “Go ahead and bury me.”

  1. Becky Delport (@BexstarD) August 6, 2011 at 11:46 pm #

    Holy shit I had no idea I was that powerful. You should be glad it’s not a poos & vom bug though. I was kind to you this time. *insert evil laughter here

    P.S I like sharks. But I have never masturbated while watching a shark documentary on National Geographic. Ever.

    • beccasheppard August 7, 2011 at 9:58 am #

      I am definitely glad my bowels are unaffected by this bug. That’s the worst. Of course it’s usually not the common cold that brings on diarrhea and throwing up; it’s Absolut Vodka.

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