C-section.

27 Jul

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What if pineapples weren’t grown, but born? Imagine squeezing a prickly, thorny ass pineapple through a birth canal. The horror! How do porcupine mothers do it? Why don’t they just lay eggs? And why would anyone have sex with a pineapple?

I hate it when people post questions on Facebook like, “Does anyone have any extra tickets to the concert tonight?” and then fourteen douche bigalos reply with “no, sorry.”  Listen. The person is already anticipating that most people do not have them; don’t waste their time by telling them you don’t have what they want. They are looking for people who do.  Informing them that you do not have what they want is not going to help them even a little bit. Is this really something that has to be told to people? WHY CAN’T PEOPLE THIIIIINK!?!?!?

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I’m not sure what it is about old men over the age of 65, but they think that social rules do not apply to them. I know it’s 400 degrees, but being 70 years old does not give you special permission to putter around shirtless in public. I have seen so many saggy skinned, liver-spotted old farts strolling around outside without their shirts on this week. Nobody wants to see your tits, gramps. Put it away.

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My dog is laying on the kitchen floor woofing in his sleep. His lips and cheeks are flapping about with every whooping woof that escapes him. Now his legs are twitching. I wonder what this dog is dreaming about. What on earth DO dogs dream about? Chasing rabbits through grassy fields? Do they have weird senseless dreams like humans do, like being able to talk to whales and fly and trying to run from murderers but not being able to move? Do dogs have nightmares?

I’m losing it.

.

I just saw a preview for a television show called Hillbilly Handfishin’. More commonly known as “noodling.” This is a fishing technique used to catch catfish where the fisherman reaches down into holes in riverbanks with their bare hands and waits for a man-eating catfish to latch down on their arm with their mouths, yanking the fish out of the bank and catching it.

.

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I could not do this. I would squeal like a pig that was on fire, covered in bats, and being chased by a lion. I would embarrass myself so badly that no one would ever want to speak to me again. I don’t understand how people do it. Doesn’t it hurt? It’s so gross.

I’ll leave you with another funny search term from this week from Jane Doe out there in the world wide web:

i am a woman why am i getting chin hair

Haha. That sucks.

Ok, bye.

________________________________________________________________________

“Where do you work again?”

“It’s like a fancy bowling alley.”

” ‘Fancy bowling alley’ is an oxymoron.”

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6 Responses to “C-section.”

  1. Cole July 27, 2011 at 7:31 pm #

    Is that old man Anthony Hopkins?

    • beccasheppard July 27, 2011 at 8:02 pm #

      Haha…..yes. You won’t believe how hard it is to find “shirtless old man” on Google images.

  2. christopherdiez July 27, 2011 at 9:20 pm #

    Noodling is just creepy and weird. And that picture looks just like Allen when he was a puppy, except skinnier. Haha

    • beccasheppard July 27, 2011 at 9:32 pm #

      Right? It’s a spitting image. Then he evolved into a keg with fur and legs.

      And…it’s “Alan.” 🙂

      • christopherdiez July 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm #

        No kidding I tried spelling Alan in several different ways and couldn’t figure out what looked right. I ended up spelling it like an “Allen Wrench” which now looks stupid. 😦

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