Living in want.

26 Jul

This f-cking heat wave is killing me. I’ve lost my will to live.  “Oh em gee, is she just going to complain about like, the weather for the rest of the year until the temperatures dip below 50?”   Yes. Tolerate it or get the freak out. Today was day five of hellish, suffocating heat. It’s so bad. I wish to go to sleep and not wake up until October. I told everyone to F off today and spent almost the entire day in my bedroom in the dark, face to face with my fan.

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I did have to do one inspection this morning at 9:30 am though. Even at 7:20 am it was already 81 degrees with 94% humidity.

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I heard that 22 people have died this week from the heat wave. I wonder how many of those deaths were actually suicides. I’m on the brink. Just one more degree and I will hang myself so fast.

Being outside even for just a few minutes made me wish I were dead. The air is so thick. The heat and humidity combo really brings out the grease in me. I am already an oily skinned person, but as soon as my skin is exposed to the blasphemous heat indexes outdoors, my face melts almost completely off of my head. I look like a Cabbage Patch Doll that got pulled from a fire. My skin feels like I slathered it in butter and then wrapped myself in saran wrap. It’s awful.

I feel like I’m trapped inside a Hefty bag and being forced to run on a treadmill all day. My temples, the tops of my wrists, my buttcrack, and my “cleavage” sweat the worst. I feel like the between-the-boobs sweat is really just my body mocking me. I don’t even have boobs. I can’t imagine the sort of river that would floweth if I had a rack like Dolly Parton. My, god.

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I’ve been living without several necessary items for the several months to a year. Here’s a nice list:

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1.   Air conditioning.  My home doubles as a dutch oven. I don’t need a slow cooker to make dinner. I just leave a chunk of pork on the coffee table when I leave for work, and by the time I get home in the evening, it’s steaming hot and ready to be devoured. The most excruciatingly hot room in the whole house is our living room unfortunately. This is a problem, because the television is in there. Even at night when it “cools down” (“cools” being a very relative term meaning “below 90”), there’s not enough circulation to draw the air in. That’s why I chose reward over risk and duct taped this floor fan to the window:

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It’s fine as long as it doesn’t fall off the ledge and come crashing down onto my head while I’m watching Curb Your Enthusiasm. That always puts a damper on the evening.

2.  Air conditioning in my vehicle.  This is probably the worst. Sitting in my car is suicide. Getting into my vehicle feels like submerging my body into a tank of molten lava. By the time I reach my destination, even if it is only minutes away from point A, my shorts are absolutely soaked and I look like I have peed in my pants. I also look like a prostitute that just finished running the mile as my makeup melts down my face and makes me look like I just got beaten with several large sticks of margarine.

3.  A microwave.  I have actually lived without a microwave for two years in a row now. Surprisingly I do not miss it. Everything I need to do can be done on the stove or in the oven.

4.  A bathroom door.  This isn’t great. Last week we had a crew on our property putting a new roof and siding on our house. I was doing the 2 one afternoon and looked up to see this nice man’s legs:

No privacy of any kind. But when you gotta go, you gotta go.

5. Dishwasher.  Going at it the old fashioned way with a sponge and some dish soap.  The dirty dishes stack up so fast when you only have a kitchen sink to put them in. Burnt egg on the ol’ frying pan is a nemesis of mine. Some of the food particles that get stuck to these dishes need a machine gun to remove them. Hand washing is not my favorite thing to do. I get wrinklier than grandpa Moses, and I look like I just got done competing in a wet t-shirt contest afterward.

6.  Deodorant.  Just kidding.

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Well, thanks for listening. You’re too good to me.

______________________________________________________________________

Z:  “Are you guys going out on the town tonight?”

B:  “No. I’m currently washing dishes in the bathtub. It’s one of those nights.”

Z:   “hahaha. Life is hard.”

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