You catch more flies with honey.

12 Jul

Why the f-ck would I want to attract flies?

I’m pretty much over America’s Got Talent. Eight out of ten contestants are idiots with mental problems who are so bad they aren’t even entertaining. One out of ten contestants is mediocre at best, and they still vote them through. The last one out of ten is actually talented, and they should be on a show that takes them seriously.

I think the horrible auditions on this show should get slimed instead of buzzed. That would be a lot more gratifying of a consequence. Something to scare the talent-less blockheads out there out of auditioning in the first place. Sliming would be great. Electric shocks would also suffice. Trap doors that drop them into shark tanks would be even better.


I spent the first 18 years of my life turning up my nose at cottage cheese. It is by far one of the most unattractive foods in the world. My old college roommate would continually badger me to give it a try, and I would loudly decline her offer, making disgusted faces and telling her she was a barbarian for eating something so grotesque. I mean, look at it. It looks like something that’s growing in my kitchen sink. Then one day, I finally gave in. I sneered at the spoonful of cottage cheese, and begrudgingly put it in my mouth.

It was good.

After I got over the fact that it looks like VD, it tastes like string cheese.

I think it would be funny if instead of being sentenced to jail for nonviolent crimes, offenders had their crimes tattooed to their foreheads.






Tiaras are juvenile. People need to stop wearing them at proms and weddings. The only person who is allowed to don a tiara is Kate, and her opportunity was already redeemed at her royal wedding. Even then, it’s pushing it. They make you look like a four year old playing dress-up. Can we all agree on this?

A man on television just said, “She died ‘fairly instantaneously.’  Okay; it’s either instantaneously or it’s not. There’s no “fairly” instantaneously. That’s like saying “the car accident was relatively fatal.” The bitch either died or she didn’t. Am I the only one left in the world with a vocabulary more advanced than a third grader’s? I’m beginning to think that I am.

Well, I guess I’ll be going now. Have a mediocre day.


“She then told me that her friend who I also don’t know follows me as well and she loves me HARD. I was all like ‘get the f-ck out’ and she was all like ‘east side to the west side muthaf-cker’ and I was like ‘yeah I have no idea what’s going on now’. “


6 Responses to “You catch more flies with honey.”

  1. maggiematheny July 12, 2011 at 9:52 pm #

    I wore a tiara in my wedding, and I think I rocked it. Just call me princess Maggie. So take that biatch!

  2. mr. c July 12, 2011 at 10:27 pm #

    okay…how about instead of being slimed…..lobotomy? but then again, it wouldn’t have that deleterious effects though.
    as for the aforementioned offenses,…..i have done 3 of the 4. but i think that makes me ‘funny’.

  3. Becky Delport July 13, 2011 at 12:46 am #

    Agreed. Cottage cheese is the poos. But I will eat it on occassion. And tiara’s are the crowns of wankery. All people that wear them are complete wankers.

  4. Maggie July 13, 2011 at 9:16 am #

    I’ve never been lumped in with the wankers before. Hahaha.

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