The man who mows my yard every week and I are in an all-out war. I finally figured out that he comes on Tuesdays every week to walk around and weed-whack the tiny yard we have around the house we rent. This is the same yard that my dog leaves landmines all over. I sometimes forget to clean up all the dog crap before the lawn guy comes early Tuesday morning, and I then find half a dozen piles of dog shit smashed into the ground, making it nearly impossible to pick up.
It’s like, listen, John Deere—just walk around it. Avoid the dog doo. Do you really have to crush it into the grass and make me need a spatula to scrape it off the lawn? But then it’s like, I guess I could just remember to pick up the piles of dog poop every Monday night.
I am really unimpressed and unsold on 3D films. 3D technology is mediocre at best. I end up forgetting the film was even supposed to be three-dimensional, and only remember toward the end of the movie when I realize how bad of a headache I have from squinting at the shitty technology. So really in the end, I’m spending twice as much as a normal movie for a shitty pair of plastic glasses, and nothing else.
I am addicted to Sour Altoids. Specifically the tangerine flavored Sour Altoids. The problem is, the tangerine ones come mixed in with green apple and watermelon flavors. Despite my general distaste for artificially flavored watermelon candies, the watermelon comes in an okay second place next to the tangerine. The green apple flavored ones get left behind in the container and thrown away. The issue with my Sour Altoid addiction is that they are burning the shit out of my taste buds and the roof of my mouth. I’m not kidding. It’s like a Ferrari peeled out of a parking lot, except that the parking lot in this scenario is my tongue. It’s so sore and raw. The problem is that I can’t stop. I keep popping those delicious candies into my mouth. It’s like crack. I can’t put it down.
Speaking of delicious treats, if you have not yet experienced Haagen Dazs (“Oh great, here she goes again with the ice cream”) Bananas Foster flavored ice cream, you should be ashamed of yourself. You simply do not know what you’re missing. It puts the original dessert to shame and makes it look like an imposter.
“All the lively flavors of classic Bananas Foster captured in a distinctly delicious ice cream.
Flavor top notes: fragrant roasted banana spiked with warm hints of cinnamon and nutmeg.
Flavor finish notes: lingering notes of caramel and brown sugar.”
If you don’t have a boner over the description alone, then I’m going to have to assume you’re paralyzed from the waist down and are over the age of 80. It’s sinfully delicious. Get yourself some.
I am really sad that The Voice is over this season. I would like it to continue every week for the rest of my life. There was one part I could do without, however. That was Alison Haislip’s role as the Twitter correspondent, constantly informing us of what was “trending now” in the Twitter world. Completely pointless. Listen, Alison. If I want to know what’s “trending now” on Twitter, then I will log onto Twitter. I do not need an entire portion of the television show dedicated to you logging onto Twitter and telling me what is going on there. I don’t give a shit what ZoeyGurl69 is saying about Javier in 140 characters or less. Don’t waste my time.
Well, time to strike up the band. What I really mean is it’s time to put on Law & Order SVU and put myself to bed. I don’t know what I meant by “strike up the band.” I don’t know why I said it.
“I HATE Winnie the Pooh. His crew is just—garbage! Tigger’s on drugs, Eore’s suicidal, the little pig is always having anxiety attacks—it’s awful.”