Last night, The Voice aired once again on NBC. Naturally I changed all of my plans and glued myself in front of the television and cussed at anyone who spoke during the show.
The show begins with a sleazy performance by Neyo and freaking Pit Bull and fourteen slutty women air-humping in leotards and lace tights. It’s awful. I wanted Piers to show up from America’s Got Talent and buzz them off the stage. I hate Pit Bull. He is a disgusting, gross, bald Latino man. Like, Beverly McClellan has more sex appeal than Pit Bull. His voice is awful. He sounds like me first thing in the morning when my phone rings and wakes me up and I groggily answer with a scratchy, shitty voice. Terrible.
Beverly and Christina perform a pretty fantastic rendition of “Beautiful,” an Aguilera original. Christina looks like a wizard. Her long, scarecrow hair and bucket hat makes her look like Merlin. I wanted her to be holding a magic want and a glowing crystal ball.
Blake Shelton and Dia Frampton perform a Tom Petty song together, and Blake reminds the world how much taller he is than everyone else by making Dia and the rest of the musicians look like the lollipop guild by comparison.
Adam and Javier perform “Man In The Mirror” by the late Michael Jackson. I gawk at Adam’s ravishing looks for the duration of the song. I wish I could stop, but I can’t. Javier pretends he is not wearing a baseball cap, but it is still a baseball cap, just disguised as a beret.
Vicci and Cee Lo dress like Pokemon characters and sing a song about love and war. Or war being like love. Or…was it love being like war. Anyway, they hire a gaggle of children who dress like them to do backflips around the stage while they sing. It’s great. Vicci is a little firecracker, and I like her.
Tonight the finals aired. Javier won. I was sort of disappointed by this. I think my overall problem with Javier is that although his voice is fantastic, he bores me as an individual. I guess in the end, no one was really a loser, as all four singers got incredible exposure and everyone now knows who they are. Way to go, kids. A+. I want season two to start immediately.
“Is it hard to be Muslim when bacon is so delicious?”