America’s Got Losers.

26 Jun

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Long John Silvers needs to stop pretending that Aunt Jemima is back there in the kitchen whipping up homestyle, fresh-from-the-sea seafood like Paula Deen does in her country kitchen. Ex-cons with biker tattoos and black girls named Quaneisha’ are back there dumping frozen fish sticks in the grease vats. It’s fast food. Worse, it’s fast seafood. That’s an oxymoron. Make me a burger in sixty seconds or less—-Alright. Make me fried cod in sixty seconds or less? Food poisoning.

I love that the digital signature pads that you have to sign with the fake pen at the store checkout after you swipe your credit card say, “SIGNATURE APPROVED” after a few moments of “authorization.”  Signature “approved” my ass. You and I both know if I took that pen and drew a picture of a dick on that screen, it would “approve” it. Michael J. Fox could sign that pad in the back of a moving van and it would accept. A two year old Korean boy could scribble his name and that machine would pretend to spend a moment authenticating the signature before affirming that it is “approved.” Get real. “Signature approved” means “Okay, you have enough money for this purchase, we don’t give a shit who you are.”

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Just when you think Wheat Thins can’t get any better, they come out with ranch flavored ones. Yum. They make your breath stink like ass, but boy are they fantastic. I ate a half a box of ranch Wheat Thins yesterday for dinner. That was a mistake. I couldn’t stop though. I did not purchase them again at the store in fear of a repeat occurrence. If you have any self control though, I recommend trying them.

I am really tempted to use this dish soap as body wash:

I am not exaggerating. Dawn Hand Renewal with Olay in Pomegranate Splash. This detergent smells good enough to squeeze onto a loofa and lather up in the shower with. Men and women alike would flock toward the intoxicating aroma of Pomegranate Splash wafting from my skin. Really, it would bring all the boys to the yard.

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Someone stupid: *sigh*

Someone stupid (five minutes later):  *rolls eyes*

Stop with the stupid status updates, FREAKS!!!!!!!

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I have mixed feelings about the television show “America’s Got Talent.”  The talent is a needle in a haystack. I’m tired of watching idiotic jokers waste my viewing time by juggling eggs and singing the Star Spangled Banner poorly. America got over the bad auditions after the first season of American Idol. We got our laughs out back in 2004. Just show me talented people who can move mountains with their voice, and black guys who can dance like Usher. Even with all the invalids riding unicycles and and telling shitty riddles, I feel like they put everyone through. It’s not like the show puts me on edge. Really it just makes me grind my teeth and repeat, “This is so bad. So bad,” over and over again.

Well, let’s do this again some time.

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“Sorry, I was thinking about tater tots.”

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