Moo la la.

10 Jun

Back in high school, I wouldn’t wear anything that didn’t say Hollister or American Eagle across the chest. I was a douche. Pretty much everyone was though. We all wanted to be “cool.” Unless of course you were “gothic” back then and only bought things that were black or lime green from Hot Topic, like Invader Zim backpacks, spiked dog collars, and Jnco Jeans with pockets deeper than the Pacific Ocean, and played “Magic” at lunch by yourself in the corner of the cafeteria.

Kids. So gullible. There really isn’t anything fashionable, period, about a graphic tee that just says “Abercrombie & Fitch” on front. It’s just a t-shirt. A t-shirt that costs $60, that is. Unbelievable.

Listen, all you high schoolers out there. Abercrombie & Fitch and Hollister are overpriced articles of generic clothing. You don’t believe me now, and you won’t believe me for quite some time, but in a couple years when you’re broke in college, you’ll realize that a white t-shirt from Target that costs $11 is the same as the white t-shirt from Hollister. The only difference is the Hollister one has a teeny-tiny logo of a seagull on it, and costs five times as much.

You’ll learn.

$9. Target.

$39. Hollister.

While we’re on the topic, what in god’s name are the jeans manufacturers up there at Hollister Company modeling their pants sizes off of? Trees?

Back in 10th grade, I had to buy a size 11 jeans at Hollister. I weighed 114 pounds. I should have been wearing a standard size 2 or 3. Unfortunately, Hollister’s “size 3” jeans have pant legs no wider than baseball bats, while their waists could fit around a 100 year old oak tree trunk. They’re basically upside-down cone shaped. I had no option but to purchase a size 11 to fit my human-sized (maybe on the meaty side) legs, and then use a belt in the most obnoxious way to scrunch in the excess four inches of denim around my hips so they would stay up. Stupid.

I love Target. A lot. Target is one of my favorite places to go. If I’m bored, I often cruise over to Target just to browse. They have a LOT of cute clothes, swim suits, shoes, great cosmetics, and everything is so moderately priced. I have been surprised with Wal-Mart’s selection as of late also. Granted, the majority of their clothing is size XXL and up and has Tweety Bird or the American flag across the chest, but if you dig around enough, they have some pretty stylish threads. Take this maxi dress that I purchased yesterday, for example:

Only $14. I looked like a hot hippie all day. Can’t beat it.

Why don’t they put Equal or Sweet n Low in every gallon of milk ever made? This is a brilliant idea. Everyone knows milk that has had Frosted Flakes marinating in it for ten minutes is the greatest tasting nectar known to mankind. Sweet-milk has got to be a million dollar idea, I’m sure of it. I’m not talking about super dense Carnation brand style condensed and sweetened milk. I mean delicious, fresh skim milk lightly sweetened with artificial sweeteners. I have been sprinkling several packets of Equal on my heaping bowl of sliced bananas and strawberries with All-Bran on a daily basis, and BOY is it ever delicious. I love artificial sweeteners. Never mind the risk of brain cancer that people keep talking about. Flavor is more important to me than the 50/50 chance of disease.

Well, I’m off to take my bored dog on a play date. He has dug string cheese out of the trash and Bubblicious out of my purse between today and yesterday because it’s been 100 degrees outside and mama refuses to take him out to exercise. Poor bastard.

Merry Christmas,



“I hate it when all of my clothes are dirty and I’m forced to wear things that I would normally do yard work in to school.”


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