Sometimes you’re just late. If you’re me, you’re late all the time. You wake up late, you arrive late, your period is late (if you’re Farrah from Teen Mom). If you’re going to be late to something that someone more important than you is going to be pissed about, you need to be armed and ready with a solid excuse to pardon your tardiness. Creativity is essential, and you have to decorate your excuse with specific details, strengthening your claim. Here are a few old faithfuls I like to use on the reg when I’m running behind:
1) My behind is running. Diarrhea. No one wants to continue that conversation after you drop the D word. They can’t prove otherwise, and it’s an uncomfortable topic to discuss. Plus, everyone knows what sort of anal Armageddon follows a general tso chicken and pork fried dumplings meal at 11 o’clock at night before bed.
2) My power went out and my alarm didn’t go off. “It was the weirdest thing, I woke up and my clock was flashing. I guess the power on my block went out last night.” Again, hard to prove otherwise. Unless of course your employer/professor calls bullshit on you for having a clock radio. I mean it is the 21st century after all. Everyone knows cell phones have replaced traditional alarm clocks across the board. Anyone with a clock radio is probably still Flintstoning their asses to work and still owns a computer that has a tower.
3) I locked my keys in my car. This is my number one most tried and true excuse. The ol’ standby. Who can argue with you about this? For one, you gain a little bit of sympathy for it. Everyone knows how unfortunate locking your keys inside your vehicle is. It’s frustrating. It’s one of the most inconvenient incidences one comes across in their everyday lives. The key to pulling this off effectively is to call ahead of time and sound really aggravated and distraught about the whole thing. “UGH, I’m so sorry, like an idiot I locked my keys in my car, and the locksmith won’t be here for another 20 minutes, SIGH,” you say, with dismay in your voice. Pardoned.
4) I was behind a school bus the entire way here. This has actually happened to me before, and this is why I know that it will legitimately make you late. Er go, it’s a great morning excuse. Buses are big, slow turners, they make frequent stops with pauses—they’re a punctuality killer. Similarly, if you live in a rural area such as Iowa, you can also say
5) I was stuck behind a tractor on the highway. This is truly frustrating. They go 15 miles per hour, tops. It’s an inevitable delay. Tractors are also huge. You can’t just by-pass a John Deere combine bumbling down the road. It’s like trying to pass a double-wide. You can’t see around it, you don’t know what’s coming on the other side—it’s a head-on collision waiting to happen. You’ve got not choice but to sluggishly crawl down the road as the cars build up behind you, congesting the entire highway. Everyone knows this. Great excuse.
6) You let your dog out this morning and he ran 14 blocks down the street after the garbage man. No responsible pet owner is just going to call it a loss and hope Rufus will be sitting patiently on the front porch when they arrive home from work 8 hours later. No. You go chasing him down the street like a delusional headcase in your pajamas and slippers with your coffee mug in hand, sloshing all over the sidewalk, screaming like a lunatic until you catch up with him two zip codes later. Dog running off = late. There’s no way around it.
Some people like to play the “family emergency” card. I for one do not. For starters, I feel like everyone and their dog uses that excuse for every absence ever. It’s played out. Don’t tell me your grandma died. I will call you a bold-faced liar. If you try to tell me you had a family emergency, I will demand paperwork and hospital bracelets to verify. I’ll get straight guerrilla on your ass with this one. Phone calls will be made. Documentation will be requested. You won’t get away with it.
Best of luck, boys and girls. Let me know which one works for you.
“…what’s that, Nathan?”
“Apricot shimmer! Does it look pretty?”
“…..it….looks…pretty as a missile on our battle ship. BOOM! BLOOD, GUTS, FIRE!!! ….MAN things!”