Hasta la vista, baby.

18 May

Emphasis on the “baby.”

Looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger “jingled all the way” with his former housekeeper. The baby was not only kept, but kept a secret for 10 long years. Of course that was several years ago, so this child is a full blown kindergarten cop by now (the jokes keep coming. I’ll try to stop). I have got to hand it to these two though; most people in Hollywood can’t keep an illegitimate, adulterous pregnancy under wraps long enough to put their pants back on. Ten years was quite a stretch. I wonder why they didn’t just keep their mouths zipped for the long haul. No one would have been the wiser. Except maybe the kid when he started hitting puberty and began to look like this:

.

I’m sure Victoria’s Secret is just trying to make everyone “feel beautiful,” but the marketing scheme they’ve got going on calling all “bombshells” in our faces on television, spam emails, and monthly magazines is getting out of hand. Most of your customers (and when I say most I mean like….almost all) are not, by definition, “bombshells.” This is a bombshell:

This is the average American woman:


I’m not wrong. Direct these marketing techniques toward the beautiful beings of Brazil. If you’re going to continue targeting women in America, just be honest about it. “Victoria’s Secret….for the beast in you.”

Dr. Oz needs to stop wearing scrubs on his show to try to make himself appear more…doctorish. We get it. Just wear slacks and a polo, Oz. You’re not performing invasive surgery on stage. You aren’t scrubbing your arms with iodine up to your elbows and doing gastric bypass procedures on the television show. You don’t need the costume. You aren’t fooling anyone anymore.  Also, stop holding peoples’ hands for way too long. Has anyone else noticed this? Every person that comes on stage as an audience volunteer gets hand-raped almost the entire time they’re up there. It’s incredibly awkward.

I don’t know how my laptop screen gets so filthy all the time. I do not consciously smear my sticky hands and fingers all over my Macbook after eating Buffalo Wild Wings, but apparently I do. Or someone does. It looks like a 15 year old boy….um….”used” it. Am I allowed to Windex my computer screen? Is this potentially harmful to my precious piece of equipment? I need suggestions. It looks like a bathroom mirror in a dirty Texaco gas station. I can’t go on like this.

Your friend or sworn enemy, depending on who you are,

Rebecca.

__________________________________________________________________

“Hey Air Marshall John, you wanna go back into the restroom and not rest?”

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7 Responses to “Hasta la vista, baby.”

  1. Brad May 18, 2011 at 9:10 am #

    Dear Becca, Just a tip for cleaning your screen… You can use windex, just be sure to spray the rag you are using to clean the screen and not the screen it’s self. The electronics that send the correct currents to the lcd screen are below the screen and if water/windex gets down in it, it can ruin your screen so by spraying your cleaning rag, preferably a cotton one, and not the screen you can avoid this disastrous mistake 🙂 Hope that helps!!!

  2. Yo Momma May 18, 2011 at 11:35 am #

    Love the title, and the whole Arnold bit, very funny.

  3. christopherdiez May 18, 2011 at 2:43 pm #

    Whatever you do, don’t get windex on the multi-touch trackpad. Learned that the hard way.

  4. Katie May 18, 2011 at 2:48 pm #

    Sworn enemy here.

    Word to the wise, take your battery out first. Just in case.

  5. Cassie May 18, 2011 at 3:49 pm #

    Victoria’s Secret has the absolute worst (best?) touch-ups in the world. They make the cut at Photoshop Disasters constantly. I would love to see the originals of those pictures. The ones where the Brazilians have cellulite. And hips. And the average American woman is 5’4″, 140lbs. What you posted is yucky.

    • beccasheppard May 18, 2011 at 3:54 pm #

      Funny, not necessarily accurate, is my motive. Haha

  6. Megan Schreck May 18, 2011 at 9:50 pm #

    Classic. Wittiness. I loved (like always) every minute of it 🙂 I suggest Pledge wipes for you comp… I always have the same problem, except it looks a person with head lice combs their hair over my keypad… but pledge wipes are quick and easy!

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