Bleach bums.

14 May

I hate how loud motorcycles are. They are deafening. It always comes out of nowhere, roaring away suddenly and increasing in decibels so rapidly it makes surrounding bystanders panic, darting their heads left and right, crouching wild-eyed, ready to flee for safety. Do they really have to make them like that? They make washers and dryers these days that are almost completely silent. Don’t tell me they can’t do the same with a Crotch Rocket.

I am sure you are all familiar with the story about “the boy who cried wolf.”  Well, here in Greensburg, PA, sirens of all sorts and types are going off literally every 20 minutes or so. They have train station sirens, the fire department sirens, practice storm sirens, siren-sirens. It’s unreal. It’s also obnoxious. The problem is, now every time there’s a big treacherous thunderstorm and I hear a siren going off, I am not compelled in the slightest to consider it as a tornado warning. When they actually blow the horn for a tornado, the first thing I’m going to do is go, “GAHHHD these are annoying,” and crank up the volume on my television. By the time I realize it’s a tornado warning siren, the tornado will already be barreling down my street, chucking my Blazer through my kitchen wall. If they want me to take these blaring sirens seriously, they’re going to have to stop blowing them every two seconds for absolutely no reason.

Just now on television, a commercial began with a girl sitting outside, answering her cell phone to a voice on the other line that says,“Hey, we’re going out. Can you be ready in two hours?”  The girl furrows her brow and quickly opens a compact mirror and peers into it at her teeth. Then the voice-over says, Be ready for anything in just two hours with Crest 3D White 2-Hour Express Strips!

My jaw dropped in disbelief. Was this really the best commercial-scenario they could come up with? Yeah, I know when I’m asked to go out to Red Lobster with the girls, the first thing I do is panic about whitening my teeth beforehand. Who does this? No one. Literally no one does this. It’s more like, “Do I have enough time to shovel the rest of this Chipotle burrito into my face, drive home, shower the stink of Keystone Light, sweat, and Barley’s off of me from yesterday, do my hair, pump up my eyelashes with fifteen layers of mascara, get dressed, and get hungry again in two hours?” Whitening my teeth in that time period has not once, not ever, crossed my mind, and I’m willing to bet it has not crossed anyone else’s mind in that type of scenario either. The woman they used for the commercial already had blindingly white teeth to begin with. Like the first concern on her mind before going out to Dave & Buster’s with her girlfriends is bleaching her already Clorox-saturated incisors. The goal is “white,” not “transparent.”

Crest is stupid. Crest, you’re stupid.

That’s all I’ve got for now, kiddies. Adios amigos.



B:  “I am on the verge of perspiration. Just took that furry asshole for a jog around the ‘hood.”

C:  “Oh. Your dog.”

B:  “No, my housekeeper. Yes my dog you nimrod.”

C:  “Do you really have to be rude today? It’s a holiday after all.”


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