Meet the residents of western Pennsylvania:
People in Pennsylvania are gross. Really, really gross. I have been here for over a month now, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I have yet to see one single attractive human being, male or female, in the entire area. Every person within 100 miles is somewhere north of 250 pounds, white, lumpy, grumpy, and frumpy. It’s nauseating. Today, Trent, Randon and I walked out of the movie theater after watching Thor, and all of us paused, looked around with furrowed brows, and blurted out how f’ugly everyone around us was. We stood outside for a moment on the sidewalk just as a fat tripod exited the building, each one fatter than the one before. First the obese, greasy son, second the blubbery, knee-knocked mother, and last but certainly not least, the fat, bulbous father. Each of them moseyed single-file across the parking lot to their tiny Ford Tempo (the suspension on that vehicle must be destroyed).
“Oh, god. All that family needs to complete the picture is to connect trunk-to-tail and waddle to their car,” says Trent. We snorted with laughter, and shifted our gaze just in time to see two more fat women in tight white capri pants entering the theater, and a man with Tazmanian Devil tattoos on his shins. Quality.
On a totally opposite note, Chris Hemsworth is my new obsession. This man is the sexiest, most beautiful creature I have ever seen in my entire life. That facial hair, those piercing blue eyes, those luscious dark eyelashes, that long, golden hair—-his body? My, god. Chris Hemsworth can work me like a 9 to 5 if he wants. I would ride that man like an H2 Hummer through an obstacle course if he would let me. This man is hotter than Megan Fox on top of Natalie Portman in a kiddie pool filled with tabasco sauce. Name your price, Hemsworth. Name your price.
Besides drooling like a bloodhound on the 4th of July over Mr. Hemsworth’s face, body, mouth, eyes, and voice, Thor was a pretty good movie. I wished that there were more epic battle scenes/nudity, but overall I was satisfied with the film. Unfortunately, we were in the one theater out of fifteen that had the mentally retarded 10 year old in it.
This child wasn’t just challenged, he was loud. Every ten seconds, and this is not an exaggeration, he would let out a loud, husky grunt. This grunt quickly evolved into a half yell, half growling sound. It was like Tarzan calling out in the jungle. With each veloceraptor noise, the decibel increased. You can imagine what sort of distractions this caused during everyone else’s movie-watching experience. It never ended, either. I mean at first it’s like, “Okay, maybe the kid is just excited and he can’t help it. He’ll tone it down. No one in their right mind would bring an involuntarily-groaning child into a movie theater on purpose.” Wrong. The whole movie, this screeching continued. Every. Ten. Seconds.
Listen. I get it. The kid got the short end of the stick. I’m not saying you should lock him up somewhere where he can’t bother anyone. But a movie theater is not the place to bring a child who clearly cannot control their verbalization. Take him to the park. Go to the pool. Ride bikes. Play Skee Ball at Dave & Busters. Anywhere else where noise-making is not an issue. Don’t bring him to the library. Or the movie theater. Can’t you wait until the movie comes out on DVD and then watch it in the privacy of your own living room as to not disturb others? I feel that this falls under the same category of not silencing your cell phone during a movie. Like, I’m not going to bring a colicky infant to a violin concert. You know it’s going to make noise, so don’t have it in there. Think, people.
WELL, I’m off to write Chris some love letters. I hope he likes me.
C: The bride’s adopted sister just sang Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This.” It was literally the worst thing I have ever heard.
C: If I were smart, I would have voice recorded it for you.
B: Ask her to sing it again.
C: I don’t think I can do that.
B: Sure you can! She would be flattered. Adopted kids are always looking for extra attention.