Gotta get up to get down.

31 Mar

I Hate It When People Capitalize Every Word In Their Sentences.

It makes me feel like I’m starting a new sentence with each word. Really throws me off. In my head “out loud” I’m raising my voice with every word as if I am beginning a new thought, up and down, up and down, up and down, as if I am making noise while riding a really fast-moving merry-go-round. Can’t people figure out that in no book, magazine, brochure, or any other type of literature is any sentence under any circumstance EVER has every word capitalized? Titles. That’s it. Last time I checked, “Michelle Branson Can’t Wait To Watch Lost And Bake Cookies Tonight With The Girls!” is not, was not, and never will be the title of a book or newspaper article. Please catch on.

Please.

Just because you order your sandwich as a “wrap” does not make it healthy. I don’t know where people got the idea that loading their fried chicken strips, thousand island dressing, bacon, cheese, lettuce, and mayonnaise into a 210 calorie flour tortilla made it the skinny option. It’s not. It’s actually, 9 times out of 10, more calories and fat than two slices of bread. I wish I didn’t have to be the one to let the cat out of the bag here, but someone has to. McDonald’s is still McDonald’s no matter what you serve it on.

But damnit I love McDonald’s.

Yesterday while snowboarding, my cherry flavored chapstick somehow escaped from my coat pocket, disappearing into the giant, endless, white abyss at Breckenridge. This quickly became a medical emergency, as my lips were thirstier than Whoopi Goldberg lost in the desert on Rat Race. On my way home, I stopped for gas, and while I filled my gas tank with liquid gold, I bolted into the convenience to store to find relief.

I scoured the store and couldn’t find any, so I scrambled up to the counter and asked the girl if they even had it. She pointed it out, over by the condoms and nail clippers. I went with the old faithful “Chapstick Classic Original” and made my purchase. I informed the cashier of my chapstick emergency, and she cut open the package with a key and handed it to me for immediate application. That’s when we both noticed what the package said:

“Limited edition design.”

….

The wrapper. The wrapper is what they’re talking about. Better get it while you can, kids. This fancy wrapper design is a limited edition. It’s not going to be around forever. Is this a joke? I’d like to see them start doing “Pepsi-Coke challenge” with the two versions, see if people will notice. “Mmm….that’s—definitely the limited edition packaging, I can tell, because of the way it is. No doubt about it.”

WRONG! You’ve been duped. It was actually the original original.

That wrapper, it just makes all the difference in the world.

Okay, bye.

____________________________________________________________________

Jacob: Dude, you need to tell me where the sushi is in City Market.

Richard: Oh, sure! When you go inside, take a left, go past the pharmacy, past the Redbox, then pass the bathrooms—-

Jacob: So like, past the bakery?

Richard: Yeah, but keep going—-

Jacob: Wait, in the bread and dairy?

Richard: ….No.

Jacob: Okay, you  need to tell me this again, but slower, and with less enthusiasm.

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