Crunch Time.

9 Jan

Did Smirnoff Ice become popular again? I thought this was like a sophomore in high school thing. The gateway drink into Hawkeye vodka (vom). People went from getting “Joosed” to getting “Iced” all of a sudden. If anybody made me chug a Smirnoff Ice, I would get acid reflux so fast. I would spend the following 45 minutes laying face-down on the carpet moaning in agony, begging for Prevacid or Tums. Why do people even have Smirnoff Ice in their possession at parties these days? Like, you have to go out of your way to purchase and then bring some to the fiesta. I just don’t understand. Last time I drank Smirnoff Ice, I was sixteen, and it took just two to make me stumble around in a cowboy hat behind my high school football field bleachers. I am coming back to Council Bluffs January 20th, and let me just say this—if anyone tries to “Ice” me, I will break their arm. Let this be a warning.

Somebody whip me up a Crunchy Blue sushi roll from Blue in the Old Market, stat. I am craving that delicious Japanese creation. In my excitement about returning to the Dirty Bluffs, I think I’m just going to start calling out plans and inviting you all to do them with me. So….Friday? Blue? You? Me? The station wagon? See you there.

I woke up this morning to the beginnings of a stuffy, mucusy, throaty, coughy cold. I was going to blame this virus swap on my biological brother, who last week was sicker than a dog, but then I realized that his illness could easily be blamed on the fact that his diet of chocolate, candied cashews, spicy hot Cheetos, and 5 Hour Energy shots has probably shut down his entire immune system and is killing him softly. Either way, I will be spending the day drowning out my symptoms with bowl upon bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

While we’re on the topic, CTC is my heroin. This morning I came downstairs with the intention of having 4 or 5 clementines and a cup of peppermint tea. Instead I ate four bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Once I start nomming down on the crispy, sweet, cinnamony squares, I can’t stop. I do the old fashioned add-more-milk, add-more-cereal, add-more-milk and so on ritual. I could slam an entire box in one sitting if it were socially acceptable. And if I wouldn’t morph into Kirstie Alley as a result.

My knees are seriously decomposing. It’s becoming difficult to stand up and sit back down without wincing. Snowboarding will be the end of my joints. I don’t know what to do. I need to run on down to Maaco and have them inject WD-40 into my kneecaps. I’m turning into the Tin Man. I’m only 22. Help.

Until next time, um…bye.


“My first advice would be to stop drinking anti-freeze.”


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