Get tested.

15 Dec

I know it’s college finals time because the daily views to my blog have sky-rocketed. Even people who hate my guts would rather read about my chocolate addiction, migraine headaches, infatuation with puppies, and bowel movements following Chinese food consumption than study up for a comprehensive final on biochemistry or Civil War history.

I need a Harlequin Great Dane. It’s final. I will get one and I will name it Caesar. They’re so enormous. How do dogs this enormous exist? They’re horses. I’ll buy Caesar a saddle and ride him around the neighborhood. I’ll walk him to the supermarket and load him up with groceries and he will tow them home. I can’t wait. My own barking dairy cow.

It is absolutely dumping snow outside right now. I am tickled pink. Literally. I am the color of a Pepto Bismol bottle. I look like a roll of Bubble Tape. My hair looks like cotton candy.

Taking things too far: example A.

Really though, the snow is coming down like I’ve never seen. It’s a winter wonderland in the making out there. Tomorrow is going to be a sickening powder day. I’m going to pee my pants in the morning. Somebody bust out the Graduates.

I’m really skeptical of ethnic foods in new places. I need Chinese food tonight. I wonder what the Asian cuisine scene is like here in Edwards, Colorado. I don’t feel like Colorado is a hot spot for Asians. By the looks of things, the Mexicans are running this place. I went to Wal-Mart on Monday night for some groceries. I’ve never seen more Mexicans in a Wal-Mart than here in Edwards. I know the old “Mexicans-run-Wal-Mart” joke has been around since Jocelyn Wildenstein first started experimenting with plastic surgery, but not until this week had I actually seen it proven true. All I saw were Mexicans, but all I heard was Russian. It was weird.

If you need me, I’ll be reading reviews on UrbanSpoon. Bye.


“There’s a show at the Laugh Factory tonight, I booked a spot for you, so I want you to come down—-don’t be a pussy, just do 3 or 5 minutes, whatever you want—-you’ll be off-stage before anyone realizes you suck.”



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