First aid.

11 Nov

Tell me where I can get my hands on some of these.

If I owned a package of these, I would be burning myself with the curling iron, papercutting myself, and scraping my knees a lot more often. Toast bandages? Just look at that detail! Why not? Let’s make bacon bandages. Let’s make fried egg bandages. This is an industry that I can get behind. Consider me an investor.

When I was younger, I used to con my brother, one year my junior, into doing tasks for me by timing him. Let’s say, for example, I was in the basement, and wanted a juice box that was upstairs in the kitchen. I certainly didn’t have time to be running gopher tasks like that as a six year old, so I would say,

“Hey Richard, I bet you can’t get all the way up to the kitchen, grab a juice box, and make it back here to the basement in less than 20 seconds.”


“Yeah right.  ….Well, I guess there’s only one way to find out. I guess I could time you.”

He braces himself in a ready-to-spring stance, wild-eyed.

“….GO! 1…2…3…4…”

He bolts up the stairs, as fast as his noodle legs will carry him. The key in bribing someone with a timed task is to make sure that you vocalize the timing at the right moment. Just as he is making his way around the corner to make it back, I’m reaching 18…19…!! This keeps the “carrot” dangling right in front of their nose, and they don’t get too comfortable with their speed, nor does the challenge of the task become too mundane. This also leaves room for improvement on completion time. Next time I want strawberry Pop Tarts, for example, I might decrease the time to 15 seconds to up the ante. It’s really very brilliant.

Timing doesn’t work on him anymore. He is now rendered useless.

The end.


“Wait. So I’m black, but I’m not an athlete. Then I’m a criminal?”

“I’m BLACK, I’m a politician, and I’m NOT Colin POWELL?”


One Response to “First aid.”

  1. Rich November 29, 2010 at 12:33 pm #

    I never fell for that you hoser

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