The baby downstairs in the apartment below me is wailing. Absolutely wailing. What is it’s problem? I am two seconds from marching down there and tossing it out into the grass. Has it no manners?
Speaking of offspring, after my numerous status updates about my gravy craving in lieu of the upcoming holiday season, I got multiple, “Are you pregnant?!” replies.
Are you serious, people? The things I would rather do than have a child are unspeakable. Absolutely unspeakable. Here is a sampling:
Things I Would Rather Do Than Have A Child:
1. Eat an entire box of 1 1/4 inch galvanized nails.
2. Lick an electric stove coil.
3. Make out with William Hung.
4. Meet Kate Gosselin
5. Swim in cow manure.
6. Swallow a sea urchin.
7. Sleep in an airplane seat for six years.
8. Give up chocolate.
9. *~*tYpE LiKe tHiS fOr tHe rEsT oF mY LifE.*~*
10. Fight Chuck Norris.
11. Eat nothing but bay leaves for an entire month.
12. Become friends with Tyra Banks.
13. Get stepped on by a horse.
14. Sleep in Central Park alone.
15. Drink only vinegar for 10 days.
16. Jump off my second-story apartment balcony head-first.
17. Get hit by a car.
18. Change my name to Izabelle Sophia.
19. Never be allowed to wear eye makeup ever again.
20. Bicycle across the United States.
21. Do a mustard-bong.
23. Fill my ears with honey and spend the night in Yellowstone National Park.
24. Smash a beehive inside a small closet.
25. Get slapped in the face with a cheese grater.
“I won’t be hard to find. I’m wearing a Darth Vader mask and I have a megaphone.”