Things I would rather do than watch football.

20 Sep

Football season has officially begun. Needless to say, Sundays have gone from my favorite day of the week to the very bottom of the shit list. After spending one Sunday watching football for six consecutive hours at a restaurant and nearly hanging myself with an electrical cord because of it, I decided I might want to find other activities to occupy myself with every Sunday from this point forward while my loving husband watches 290 pound men with testosterone levels spiked higher than Travis Barker’s mohawk stampede over one another after a pigskin ball.

Just so we’re clear, here is a brief list of some things I would rather do than watch football:


1. Make out with ZZ Top’s beard.

2. Read Kate Gosselin’s autobiography.

3. Listen to nothing but Heidi Montag’s album for an entire year.

4. Have a conversation about environmental issues with Paris Hilton.

5. Solder my eyelids shut.

6. Eat a porcupine whole.

7. Get up at 5 a.m. every day for the rest of my life.

8. Get this tattoo.

9. Or this one.

10. Drink nothing but maple syrup for one entire week.

11. Share needles with Bobby Brown.

12. Flame-broil my right arm.

13. Babysit.

14. Go without electricity or internet for the rest of the year.

15. Get pancreatic cancer.

16. Drink milk directly from a cow’s udder.

17. Meet Perez Hilton.

18. Walk on shattered glass.

19. Shave my head.

20. Bite my tongue off.


If anyone is interested in any other examples, I can provide a few more. That is just a brief summary of some of the activities that first come to mind.

Needless to say, this last Sunday was spent doing things other than stomaching football. I went to a pet shelter and tortured myself with adorable puppies, cuddling and snuggling and harassing them to no end. Then I went and got myself an iced chai latte from Starbuck’s, purchased a snazzy new bellybutton ring, ate McDonald’s, and raided Yankee Candle. Someone might want to put a guard on my checking account. It’s that time of year again where Yankee Candle busts out all their holiday fare, and BOY does it smell good. Their holiday scents are irresistible. Christmas cupcake? Apple pie? Cinnamon bun? How do they do it?

I’m such a sucker for things that smell good. I recently purchased a couple of those oils that you burn over a small candle and the sweet, succulent aroma fills your house in no time. The particular scent I am burning at this time is called “Be Thankful,” a Thanksgiving inspired aroma. It’s sooooo gooooood. It’s like an intoxicating aroma of freshly baked goods, pies, gravy (I’m convinced), turkey, sweet potatoes—-Ohhh. It’s so delicious. Buy some. Right now. Go buy some right now.

I SAID NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for yelling.


“Let’s play a game. It’s called ‘Guess What Jack Put In The Freezer.'”

“Uh……..a box of cereal?”

“Wrong. Netflix DVD.”


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