This morning while relaxing in bed, I lazily gazed over toward the windows. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a dark shape and some movement. I looked up at the top of the blinds, and there perched a giant hornet. I stared at it good and hard for at least two minutes straight. I knew it was watching me, because when I leaned closer to look at it, it arched its nasty wings up and curled its stinger.
This was war.
I speed-walked into the kitchen and balled up way too many paper towels. My initial plan was to try to make a lightning-fast movement and swiftly smash it in what was equivalent to an entire roll of Brawny. When I reentered the bedroom, however, I remembered that my aim is shoddy at best. I felt like there was probably a better way.
I slowly moved to the floor and picked up a flip-flop. I approached the window stealthily. The wasp had me in its radar though. I froze. What if I missed? If I miss, and this demonic insect just gets pissed off, I’m as good as dead. It will sting me with its gigantic stinger, and that will be the end of me. (Wasp sting = death, in case you didn’t know).
The shoe suddenly didn’t seem like such a good idea either. I needed to somehow be able to maintain my distance from this horrid insect, while still successfully unarming and then murdering it.
The wasp remained perched on the blinds, staring me down. What else can I use, I wondered to myself. Then I had the most brilliant idea. I went into the bathroom and grabbed my John Freida Volumizing Hairspray. I marched into the bedroom, aimed straight at the hornet, and launched a stream of aerosol hairspray so hardcore, it could keep Amy Winehouse’s beehive in place for six days straight.
The wasp was pissed.
Covered in sticky spray, he fell from the blinds and landed on the windowsill, buzzing and scrambling and trying to attack. I ignited spray number two, and practically drowned it in hairspray. When I knew it was safe, I grabbed the giant pile of paper towels I had acquired, and tried squashing it to death. It wouldn’t die. It kept stabbing its enormous stinger around in a futile effort to get the death-machine that was after it. I rushed to the bathroom and dropped the wasp into the toilet. Astoundingly, it kept trying to retaliate. It was swimming about, trying to climb its way out of the toilet.
Now, I guess I could have just flushed it down, but for whatever reason, I decided to instead grab Clorox bleach toilet bowl cleaner and dump a good quart of it on its head instead. The pungent odor of bleach filled the bathroom quickly, and the wasp knew it was game over. Slowly he curled into a nasty ball of hornet and died.
Then I flushed him down.
In summary, got wasps?
1. Volumizing hairspray
2. Paper towels
3. Clorox toilet bowl cleaner
“When I was little, I shaved a Barbie’s head and then put it in the microwave.”
“Did you do this with Ted Bundy?”