iTrip balls.

18 Aug

Today I was on a roof damage inspection/appointment with a large insurance adjuster named Ted. Ted is somewhere north of 350 pounds, and six feet tall. During our appointment, I let out a big yawn. Ted instantly responds, “Would you like a 5 Hour Energy Shot?” with such enthusiasm and expectancy in his voice that it was hard for me to decline.

“Um…sure,” I said.

“I swear by these things,” he started. “They get me through the day.”

He quickly got down from the ladder, reached into his truck, cracked open two containers of 5 Hour Energy, and cheers’ed me with a, “Bottoms up!”

The only time I’ve ever consumed 5 Hour Energy Shots is during Olympic-level binge drinking events where my BAC is so high that it tries to shut my nervous system down, preventing me from functioning and effectively knocking me unconscious. Other than those “isolated incidents,” I have never delved into the realm of seeking energy supplements of any kind.

I chugged down my shot, tossed the empty container into the bed of the truck, and turned over the bottle to read the label. “What’s in this stuff anyway?” I inquired.

8,333% Vitamin B12. This seemed a little unnecessary. What’s wrong with 100% of the daily value of B12 vitamins needed? I then reviewed the suggested dosage, which read:

Drink one half (1/2) bottle (one ounce) for moderate energy. Drink one whole bottle (two ounces) for maximum energy. Do not exceed two bottles of 5-Hour Energy shots daily, consumed several hours apart. Use or discard any remainder within 72 hours (three days) after opening. Refrigeration not required.

CAUTION: Contains caffeine comparable to a cup of the leading premium coffee. Limit caffeine products to avoid nervousness, sleeplessness, and occasional rapid heartbeat. You may experience a Niacin Flush (hot feeling, skin redness) that lasts a few minutes. This is caused by Niacin (Vitamin B3) increasing blood flow near the skin.

I shrugged, and got into my truck to drive back home, which was 29 miles away. Initially I was feeling very peppy. I had a burst of what was really pure joy and feelings of optimism. “This is great!” I thought to myself. “Maybe I should go buy a box of these.”

Five minutes later, I had a different opinion.

As I was barreling down the interstate, I started to feel strange. I was having what felt like an out of body experience. It felt like my brain was no longer connected to the rest of my body, like my conscious self was floating above my physical self, looking down on what was about to happen, which was me careening into a cement median as my body flew into a caffeine overdose. I started to shake. My skin began crawling and burning. My legs were sweating on the car seats like you wouldn’t believe. I began to panic.

I felt like I was tripping on LSD. All I could think about was finally making it back to my apartment where I could lie face down, motionless on the carpet. “If I can just make it home without killing myself, I’ll be safe,” I wept. My brain was trying to send signals to the rest of my limbs, which were not responding as they had turned into pure Jello, and Jello does not respond to brain waves like muscles and ligaments do. It’s just delicious. The drive felt like it went on for three hours. Three straight hours of panic and stress and anxiety. I finally got home and wobbled up the stairs to my apartment, still feeling like I was on acid.

I suppose I didn’t take into consideration my size and weight in comparison to Ted’s, which is a very fair David & Goliath ratio. A serving size for a human of my stature is probably less than a half a bottle. Maybe I should have read the directions first.

Never again.

I didn’t die though.


“Classic pythagorean theorem.”


2 Responses to “iTrip balls.”

  1. edjunkie August 19, 2010 at 1:23 pm #

    Man and that is a weak shot. Really I think a lot of it was in your mind. I mean it only has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee and some vitamins. It does work well but mostly I know women who use 5 hour shots.

  2. Rich August 20, 2010 at 9:39 pm #

    Maybe he actually did slip a sheet of acid in your shot.. Zach and I were driving back from Colorado earlier this month, leaving Breckenridge at 11:30 p.m… At the start of the drive I took one Extra Strength Five Hour Energy, slammed a liter of Mountain Dew, then 4 hours later took another Extra Strenth FHE.

    I didn’t sleep for 35 hours

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