Going viral.

31 Jul

My illness continues to blossom. I’ve got more snot going on inside my head than in a 2nd grade class. It’s yellower than golden wheat, too, which is never a good sign. I feel like my entire head is stuffed inside a large marshmallow. I am in a sinus fog. I’m slowly but surely developing a hacking cough—the type that’s off-putting to anyone who can hear it. It just sounds infectious. People clear lobbies, restaurants, and parking lots when I hackle one out. Sigh. What can I do?

I suspected mono first, as the biggest symptom I have is extreme fatigue. I feel like all my energy has been sucked out of my body, leaving me nothing but a unproductive corpse in a foggy haze, oozing germs and making unpleasant sounds. However, I did have mono once back in college for like a month straight. My roommate and I both got it at the same time and shared it in our dorm room, passing the virus back and forth while watching dozens and dozens of episodes of Friends and Grey’s Anatomy. We were holed up in our stinky, infected dorms, quarantined for four weeks straight, sleeping 13 hours a day, coughing and sniffling.

It was gross.

The next go-to illness was strep, but I haven’t got the gonorrhea-like spots in my throat or a fever, so that’s out. I just have some nameless, faceless virus that’s making me very uncomfortable and wanting to curl up in a cave somewhere and sleep until it’s gone.

I like diagnosing my illnesses, but I never seek medical attention for them. Most people I know freak out when they get a runny nose and go speeding off to the clinic to get anti-biotics. Not me. You see, my father is a family physician, and before I was even old enough to spell “virus,” I learned that unless blood was gushing out of an orifice of my body, or bones were jutting out of my torso, that the best cure for whatever sickness I came across was “to suck it up.”

I’ll be complaining for the next few days until it goes away though. Don’t worry.


David, you cannot have ducks in the apartment. If it was small birds that would be ok. -Helen”

“Dear Helen, they are very small ducks. Regards, David.”


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