Five Guys inside me.

16 Jul

Today was the first time I’ve ever had Five Guys inside of me. Sunday is my “cheat” day, and I allow myself to do things I don’t usually do. It was anything but ladylike. My mother would have been ashamed. I had my mouth and both my hands full. I felt dirty afterward. I was in desperate need of a shower, and probably a doctor’s appointment.

Today I had Five Guys Burgers & Fries for the first time. There I consumed the most delicious bacon cheese burger that has ever made its way across my tastebuds. I am not kidding. Usually I’m not the biggest fan of restaurant burgers, and tend to favor eating 900 french fries instead, and leaving the majority of my patty behind. But not this time.

Their bacon cheeseburger is unparalleled. The chewy, sweet bun was soaked in the delicious grease from the handmade beef patty, topped with a slice of American cheese, crispy, freshly fried bacon, and a generous amount of ketchup and mayonnaise. It was worth the heart attack I am going to have because of it. This is why I pay health insurance premiums.

Tomorrow I’ll be pooping Five Guys.

….literally and figuratively.

Trent and I have managed to survive 24 days now without a microwave. I wasn’t sure it was possible to go 24 minutes without a Magic Chef, but we’ve been going medieval on this biatch. “But—but—HOW?!” you might ask. Well, when you’re working 12 hours a day, and surviving entirely off of granola bars, peanut butter and jelly and turkey sandwiches (but not together—I mean, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and also turkey sandwiches. Not a turkey, peanut butter, and jelly sandwich. Gross), peaches, and pretzels, you don’t have time to use a microwave, let alone have food to cook in it. I have been boiling water in a pot for my tea and my morning oatmeal, and so far have only had to eat cold leftover Chinese once. We’ll see how long we can go without one before it becomes a matter of life or…cold food.

Ke$ha needs to stop making “music.” If I hear “Your Love Is My Drug” one more time, I will kill everyone around me and then myself. “Heey….heEeEeY! *hehehe*…I like your beard.” I’m going to assassinate her. What producer looked at this cracked-out looking broad with frizzed out hair and goopy eye makeup and saw talent? I would be lying if I said “TiK ToK” didn’t have me bopping my head, but only because of this man:

Alex Hiesberger – TiK ToK

Thanks, Alex.


“It’s so black! It’s so impossibly black!”


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